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The 10 Greatest Athletes Of All Time

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When you think of the greatest sportsball participators of all time (or “athletes” for the newbies) who comes to mind? Muhammad Ali? Tom Brady? Babe Ruth? Mike Tyson? Michael Jordan? Michael Phelps? Any other Michaels I’m possibly forgetting? Legendary humanitarian OJ Simpson? There’s such a huge cornucopia of amazing options to choose from. And yes, I just used the word cornucopia, pretty impressive, right? I learned it from an episode Even Stevens back in the day actually. But I digress.

So I constructed the following list, it took months of strenuous, in-depth research. I hired a team of dozens of experts (sport historians, physicians, statisticians, the family members of Aaron Hernandez’s victims) to collaborate with me on this to make sure it’s absolutely perfect.

So here it is, the definitive list, the 10 greatest athletes to walk ever walk the Earth. Feel free to disagree but this list is objective and 100% indisputably accurate so fuck you.

10. Rocky Balboa
There have been a large number of documentaries about him throughout the past couple of decades, and for a damn good reason. The man is a god. He was not only the best boxer to ever step into the ring, but he singlehandedly brought communist Russia to its knees. No one did it better, no one will ever do it better.

9. Lola Bunny
The girlfriend of Bugs Bunny, who’s commonly known for her appearance in the documentary Space Jam. She’s the best basketball player to ever grace the court in a Tune Squad jersey with all those solid fundamentals. And let’s not forget dat ass doe, too.

8. White Goodman
He’s the most amazing dodgeball player to ever grab a red ball. No one makes him bleed his own blood. You and him should mate. I mean date.

7. Bobby Boucher
His life story is a legendary and inspiring tale. He started out as a mere waterboy, until he was eventually given a chance on the field and proved himself to be the best football player to ever do it. And he loves his mama very much (she says that Wally Bryton is the devil).

6. Ricky Bobby
He’s the best NASCAR driver to ever sit in a car. Respect. He bears strong resemblance to basketball player Jackie Moon and Olympic figure skater Chazz Michael Michaels but that’s just a weird coincidence.

5. Forest Gump
Not only is his life story beautiful and heartwarming, but in case you bitches don’t remember, the documentary also shows that he was the best ping pong ball player of all-time. Always has been. Always will be. Mediocre brain but a strong pong game. God doesn’t give with both hands.

4. Happy Gilmore
The greatest golfer in the history of the sport. Though, he needs to work on his jab if he wants to go another round with Bob Barker.

3. The Mighty Ducks
These little fuckers are American heroes. Crazy how their own school, Eden Hall Academy, ended up being their biggest foe and not the dozens of world’s best at the Goodwill Games.

2. Minor league baseball player Michael Jordan
His career was short lived, but he blew America’s mind when he stepped up to the plate and flaunted his skills — changing the game forever. Before his time playing baseball, he was mostly known for his basketball hobby. But with baseball, he found his true calling. No one knows where he is today, but we’ll never forget him.

1. Air Bud
This son of a bitch does EVERYTHING. He plays football, soccer, baseball, and he even skateboards. When he first came into the game he faced bigotry for being a dog, but he quickly proved the haters wrong. Sure, his severe cocaine addiction eventually led to his downfall, and his legacy has been rightfully tarnished by his multiple rape and murder allegations, but facts are facts. He was the greatest to ever live.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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