10 Major Red Flags To Look For When Meeting A Girl

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I’m told sex is a wonderful thing. The thought of drunkenly mashing my rope against some punani for a few minutes, just to quit mid-thrust, roll off the bed and piss myself is purely titillating. In the spirit consummating your drunken attraction, take heed of these 10 red flags before you dock your love yacht in some crazy waters.

10. She can’t handle her liquor.

Most girls don’t make for fun drinking partners, considering their lack of a tolerance and exponentially-decreasing self control. While emotional drunks can be a handful and need their phones taken, loud, demonstrative drunk girls are far worse. After the third shot of top shelf tequila, she’s stumbling, screaming loud enough to rattle glass, and threatening to torch your entire closet.

9. She doesn’t get along with her family/coworkers.

By and large, girls who lack an amiable relationship with their family and coworkers are quintessential narcissists. According to her, she’s the hardest worker and the other waitresses just want to bring her down. Her family is just jealous of her talent and beauty. At some point, she must realize the problem doesn’t lie with everyone else. Until then, she’s always right and everyone else is an asshole. When your time together comes to an ugly end (as it inevitably will), she’ll insist that she’s the victim of the circumstances. Fortunately, no one will listen.

8. She prefers the exclusive company of guys because they’re less drama.

Moving on.

7. She owns small animals.

A small dog or cat is acceptable, but rabbits, ferrets, chinchillas, mice, hamsters, and guinea pigs point to crazy tendencies. Maybe small, under-evolved and unrequited balls of matted hair and shit remind her of her love-devoid childhood.

6. She talks about wanting to settle down and have kids early.

No way. Nuh uh. Nope. No. Oh hell nah. Not happening.

Unless she’s an undisputed smoke show, possibly rich, and guaranteed to bear you future Division I athletes, close your tab and leave.

5. Her first boyfriend was either abusive or needy.

While daddy issues are to blame for the lion’s share of girls’ lascivious behavior and loose morals, consider her starter relationships.

A girl’s late teens constitute a sort of critical period for how she’ll look upon romance and relationships thenceforth, and the wrong guy can fuck things up as much as an absent father. An abusive (physically or emotionally) guy can imbue, in a girl, a feeling that abuse is just part of a romance. Conversely, a needy guy can foster some anti-male sentiments, leading her to think all guys are manipulative pussies.

4. Her mom is her “best friend.”

If she considers her mom to be her best friend, the mom is going to take issue with any guy her daughter brings home and the last person anyone wants to listen to is some girl’s bitchy, opinionated, “bestie” mother, who is wholly too involved in her daughter’s life. Should you find out she turns to her mother for sex advice, run. Don’t look back. Delete her number.

Maybe call her mom while you’re running.

3. She’s a social media attention whore.

I know a girl from high school who feels compelled to screenshot and post every solicitation to hit her DMs, coupled with her snarky rejection to the roar of 70 forever-alones, all fighting to the death to tell her that guy’s an asshole and they aren’t like him. Girls like her use social media to fish for the attention their fathers never gave them and it’s a major red flag.

On that topic…

2. There’s no dad in the picture.

The absence of a father is a ubiquitously bad situation and the negative connotations that define the stigma have transcended stereotype and are closing in on a scientific law. The dearth of a daddy can really fuck a girl up. Fatherless girls are much more likely to be bitten by the stripper bug — it’s science and there’s not much more to divulge.

While the siren song of sinking your ship into her frothy depths on a first (and second, third, fourth and fifth) date is, indeed, alluring, there’s no staying power here. Get what you came for and move along.

1. Her dad’s a total cuck.

Surprisingly, some mothers with rare parenting prowess (or a strong backhand) can keep their daughters from wandering astray in the absence of a father figure. There’s no overcoming a weak father, however. Girls who grew up under the guardianship of a weak man will never respect you. They’re most likely to become screaming, man-hating, green-haired feminists, spewing their disdain for men all over the web *cough* Elite Daily *cough*.

When you finally meet her father, and he’s sitting all criss-cross applesauce in the den of his wife’s house, reading a National Enquirer and sipping Diet Shasta, get the hell out of there.

Run. Don’t look back. But don’t forget to say bye to her mum on your way out.

To listen to TFM’s writers give hotline callers advice on girls, booze, hazing, and other topics subscribe to The Inside TFM Podcast on iTunes.

Kramer is a future Bachelorette contestant with an affinity for brown girls, who hails from the more successful side of the keystone state. He enjoys long crawls to the liquor cabinet and has only been punched in the face once. Send lovelies to kraysmash@gmail.com

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