Don’t worry, you guys. I’m not going to climb on top of my soap box and tell everyone they should sleep more or drink less or any of that healthy self-improvement shit (mainly because I smoke a pack a day and climbing on top anything is an exhausting feat).
Instead, I’m going to hit you motherfuckers with some real shit. Some societal type shit that doesn’t necessarily apply to you, but to millennials in general.
This New Year, pop some Andre, find a blister-free mouth to suck on when the ball drops, and get weird. Then wake up and get started on making these 10 resolutions become a reality.
10. Take A Step Towards The Career You Want
I know, I know. Fuck me. I said I wasn’t going to hit you with any of that self-improvement stuff. But I’m not writing this as a “you better get your shit together and plan out your entire life” type of spiel. I mean it as a “you’d be surprised how easy it is to get your foot in the door” type of spiel. Real encouraging like.
Try this. Fire an email at someone working in the field you want. Better yet, visit their office, or the office of a professor who has connections. Your fraternity’s national Facebook page is another surprisingly great place to look.
Once you’ve got your man, express interest in what they do. Ask him how he landed the position, what they’re looking for in potential hirees, and any other questions you have about the job. You don’t even need to ask about internships or full-time positions. Just shmooze ’em up, and be sure to send a follow-up email or visit them again if they respond.
If you can establish some sort of personal relationship, then, when it comes time for them to hand out internships or jobs, you’ll have a significant leg-up on the competition.
9. Ask Her Out
Don’t wait in the wings on a girl who’s in a relationship with another guy, and don’t shy away from an available hottie, either. Ask her out already. You’ve heard the “piss or get off the pot” advice when it comes to women before. Now do it, man. Piss. Figuratively at first, but if things go your way later in the night and you’re into that kind of thing, who knows?
8. Fucking Quit It With The Mirror Selfies
So, you made it last year’s resolution to get in shape, and now you’re yoked as fuck. Don’t throw that hard work in the garbage by taking a mirror selfie at the gym. Or in the bathroom. Or anywhere. You’re cock-blocking yourself worse than the chubby friend of the last girl you hit on at the bar. Mirror selfies make you look A) self-obsessed, and B) like you don’t have any friends to take pictures with.
7. Call Your Family At Least Once A Week
Parents. Grandparents. Great-grandparents (if you’re lucky enough that any of them are still around). Give them a ring at least once a week. Tell them about your classes. Listen to them about how they’re positive that the “yellow man” at the nursing home is stealing their shoes. Simply hearing your voice is all they need. You’ll quickly realize it’s what you needed, too.
6. Lower Your Standards, Have More Fun
Stop worrying about whether a girl is hotter than your ex or if she’ll impress your fraternity brothers or any of that shit. If you’re feeling someone, go for it. Fuck what other people think. I know lots of guys who will opt to not get laid rather than be with a girl who they’re worried might stir even the slightest amount of playful ridicule from friends. Stop taking yourself so seriously, roll with the punches, and fuck that fatty. Your boys will respect your style in due time. Also, getting laid is a hell of a lot more fun than jerking off. Speaking of jerking off…
5. Jack Off With More Imagination And Less Porn
Too frequent of visits to the Hub can fuck with your head, cloud your perception of reality, and even make real sex less enjoyable. I’m not suggesting you completely rid your life of porn, but I am suggesting that every now and then you close your laptop and close your eyes, think of the girl who came to mind at number 9, and let your imagination run free of the constraints of tired porn settings.
4. Never Repeat The Following Words Or Phrases
-“Hashtag” said out loud
-THOT (That Hoe Over There)
3. Start Questioning “News” Stories Posted On Facebook
The world is growing increasingly dumber. Not because there’s some sort of stupid virus floating in the water, but because people are wildly misinformed by posts on social media. Let’s look at a recent example.
This quote, which Trump allegedly told People magazine in 1998, went viral on Facebook, with tens of thousands of people sharing it without a second thought. Luckily, Snopes scraped the People archives and found nothing.
But this sort of thing happens every damn day. Whether it’s a celebrity death hoax, a “make this post your status and Zuckerberg might award you millions in Facebook stock” troll job, or a shopped photo of a shark attacking a Navy SEAL on a ladder.
In conclusion, don’t trust every post you read on Facebook, especially if it’s a meme. Question everything, and before you hit “share”, check to see if you can find the quote in a search of the publication’s archive, or a research database like Lexus Nexus.
2. Put The Fucking Phone Away
In general, we should keep our phones in our pockets and enjoy the world around us a little more, especially in college when life is fucking sweet. But more specifically, fraternity men should refrain from documenting their more debauched activities. Several chapters wouldn’t have kicked the bucket this year if it weren’t for one brother with itchy thumbs. Yes, stripper night is awesome, but keep that shit on the DL. Besides, many things are even better when only the select group of guys in your fraternity know about them.
1. Stop Getting Offended So Much
This one isn’t directed at our dedicated readers. Y’all are as offensive as it comes. I love it. This is one for your peers: Chill the fuck out. All these protests about petty shit — yoga is cultural appropriation, this play doesn’t have a transgender person in it so shut it down, one crazy person drew a swastika with their feces so obviously the entire collegiate system is oppressing me — are driving people apart on college campuses more than anything we’ve seen in a long time.
I ask all the Social Justice Warriors out there to consider this resolution. Before going up in arms about a microaggression, ask yourself if A) it was intentional, B) it’s representative of the community around you, and C) if you’re really offended, or if you’re just desperate to feel like a part of something..