Veronica Corningstone recently wrote a great column about her rack. In it, that sexy little minx explained to us the advantage of having relatively smaller breasts for a myriad of reasons that I found thoroughly entertaining.
What really caught my attention, though, were the Indiana Jones references she made. Not only is it attractive that she’s knowledgeable about the man, the myth and the legend, but she also inspired me to compile a list myself, to inform those of you who might not be aware just exactly how frat Henry Jones Jr. really is.
Here are the 10 reasons Indina Jones is frat:
1. The first and most obvious reason is the fact that this man thwarted more Nazis single-handedly than any other in history. Fictional, or non-fictional. Indy had the brass balls to steal a Nazi uniform, and approach the Fürher himself in the middle of a Nazi book-burning rally because “fuck them and their stupidity.” True frattitude.
2. Another valiant quality is his chill-to-pull ratio. We frequently see Indy lounging with friends or his father over a drink, but he never fails to swoop a gorgeous woman off her feet and force her to accompany him on a ridiculous series of adventures, regardless of her qualifications. Let’s face it: sometimes we need company.
3. When he needs a break from the life of killing Nazis, he returns to Marshall College to teach some archeology classes. By God, what the hell are all those slams doing in a friggin’ Intro to Arch class? Oh that’s right, they’re waiting to bum rush Professor Indy after class because of his capability seduce them and ruin a few pair of panties while simultaneously talking about 500-year-old dead guys and dirt.
4. If the clothes make the man, then Indy is a hell of a man. He sports a nice tweed suit to his classes and retires to some slacks, a white shirt and his iconic fedora when he needs to hit the road and find a Nazi to beat up. If you know anything, you know that the fedora never gets left behind because no one likes to lose a good hat.
5. Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones Jr. Goddamn, that’s a strong name. “Indiana” of course being the preferred way to address the world’s most famous whippersnapper, pays tribute to his childhood favorite frat hound husky. It screams “cavalier danger seeker” and “accomplished hunter of all things.” A PhD and Jr is attached because Indy is a learned man, the second in a line of doctors, and his intellect isn’t one to be fucked with. Hands down, it’s a total package of a name.
6. What’s a hero without a trusty sidekick? His old friend Sallah is happy to assist Indy on more than one occasion by giving him shelter, finding him and his slam an escape ride or just kicking back and relaxing, as any pledge brother should.
7. When Indy goes to Club Obi Wan, gets blacked out, steals a gangster’s girlfriend and proceeds to start one of the most epic bar fights in history, he jumps out a fucking window with the slam and where does he end up? In the back of a car being driven by none other than Short Round, his young prodigy. Indiana understands and appreciates the necessity and convenience of a good sober pledge ride for any fucked-up situation you find yourself in.
8. Of course Indiana Jones does philanthropy, what great fraternity man doesn’t? Just a few weeks ago my brothers and I painted a rec center for inner city children, but this pales in comparison to that one time Indy retrieved some sacred stones from a bunch of muscle bound, cult-worshipping GDIs. Upon rolling up on their camp, Indy witnessed the preposterous child labor they were using. As any American would, Indy raised hell on these geeds, freed the little children and promptly returned them and the stolen mythical stones to their village and parents. The guy just cares about honorable deeds.
9. Respectfully, Indy is a God-fearing man. He knows when to humble himself before God to save his father, and when to avert his eyes from our good Lord as a bunch of greedy Nazis get their faces melted right the fuck off.
10. It’s well-known that Indiana Jones is no stranger to a little hazing himself. As a young boy scout still learning the ropes, he stole a highly-valued Jesus piece from his eventual lifetime rival treasure hunter. When caught, he attempted to escape as the chase lead through a circus train. In a few moments, Indy found himself in a number of life-threatening situations comparable to actives bearing down for a good ‘ole PT session. After almost being stabbed by a rhino, falling into a pit of snakes (some things are just never the same after pledging — I think we all develop at least one phobia) and finally being attacked by a lion, Indy proves himself worthy of becoming his future self. Some pretty extreme hazing, but it earned a young Henry Jones Jr. his hat and his eventual place in the heart of millions of Americans as one of the best action heroes of all time.
To surmise, Indiana Jones is an outstanding, loyal patriot and gentleman. As a man of his country, family, faith and, of course, the women, he surely deserves the obligatory tip of the hat and crack of a beer whenever you see him on TV.
Unless it’s the fourth film, because as far as I am concerned that abomination of a movie does not even exist.