10 Spring Break Tips As Told By Pam From “Archer”

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There are two huge reasons to be stoked for March. 1) Spring motherfucking break and 2) The “Archer” season 7 premiere on the 31st.

To help us get ready for both, Pam Poovey, the crew’s portly, foul-mouthed HR person turned field agent, was kind enough to share 10 helpful spring break tips with you simpletons. I wouldn’t take what she has to say for granted. Homegirl is an expert in this area. She knows how to get the perfect beach body in a short amount of time (cocaine addiction) and she can drink even the most hardened of alcoholics under the table. She also may have killed several people, but that’s neither here nor there.

So before you head into the danger zone this spring break, fill yourself with a hearty dose of Pam. Are we still doing “phrasing”?

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  1. Don’t stress about vacation plans! We’re all just here to have fun. So if you wanna lez out, enter a twerk competition or put on a puka shell necklace — no judgements!
  2. Cruise ships are always a gamble. Sometimes you get food poisoning and sometimes you take the virginity of a very grateful 18-year-old Puerto Rican vacationing with his family. #MeetTheParents
  3. Wherever you vacation, don’t drink the water. Because why are you drinking water? Are you driving the cruise ship? NO. So stop being a freakin’ buzz kill and go refill your bucket of beer floats at the froyo machine.
  4. Spring breaking with a friend who’s in a relationship is like trying to run naked down the beach with cinder blocks on your feet. #Ain’tGonnaTieMeDown
  5. Don’t fall for your dance instructors when staying at an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica, especially if their names are JSmooth and Dice. They’ll say they want to show you “the real Jamaica” but they end up taking you to this lame bar, you blow them in the bathroom, then their friend drives you home and asks for $50? And you’re like “Hold up. I thought you guys were friends.” But he just sits there in silence until you pay him. And then on the long walk up the driveway back to the resort you realize you paid $50 to give two guys a blowjob. And that just feels weird.
  6. If you’re a thick vanilla milkshake like myself, go vacation somewhere your body will be appreciated by the locals: Cancun, St. Lucia, or Milwaukee!
  7. There’s Eskimo twins, and then there’s the banana boat family…
  8. If your friends want to go skiing somewhere for spring break, you need to stop hanging out with only white people.
  9. If you have a question for the hotel concierge, dial 0. If you want the concierge to come upstairs and fluff your pillows, dial BANG.
  10. Shouldn’t have to say this — but for all you high rollers out there — tip the cleaning staff! Trust me, their ideal spring break is not wiping sploosh off of a hair dryer. #SorrySonia

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