It’s October. This means a few things.
Number 1: Basic white girls will start drinking pumpkin spice shit.
Number 2: People will tell too many cliché jokes about basic white girls drinking pumpkin spice shit.
Number 3: It’s a great time to watch horror movies.
I love horror movies. There are different types of good horror movies. There are ones that are genuinely good and scary, ones that aren’t particularly scary but they’re just entertaining, or, my personal favorite, ones that are so fucking terrible that they’re amazing.
I love bad horror flicks. Not horror movies that are bad AND boring (like the new Blair Witch sequel – HOLY SHIT what a waste of 10 bucks) — I like horror movies that are so bad that they’re funny. The type of movie where you can sit around with your friends, have some drinks, and laugh at the stupidity on screen. Here are some suggestions for the best shitty horror movies, in descending order.
10. Jason X (2001)
Remember the Friday The 13th movies? With Jason? Well in 2001 they made a movie about Jason… in space??? Yeah, for real, Jason in space. It’s just as much of a mess as you’d expect. It’s ridiculous. The amount of weed smoked while they wrote this probably gave a contact buzz to an entire city.
9. Gingerdead Man (2005)
It’s about a gingerbread man that kills people. If that doesn’t excite you, I don’t need your negativity in my life. The gingerbread man gets possessed by the soul of a serial killer or something? Who the fuck knows. It’s awful and it’s hilarious.
8. Alone In The Dark (2005)
Apparently based off an old video game that no one gives a shit about, this movie is horrendous. It’s about as scary as a basket of kittens wearing Christmas sweaters. Some paranormal detective kills evil spirits and fucks Tara Reid. It’s a beautiful bag of hot stinky garbage on a muddy driveway.
7. The Wicker Man (2006)
Two words: Nicholas Cage. And bees. Lots of bees. It feels like it was written by an aborted fetus with Aspergers. It’s a clusterfuck. Nicholas Cage is the holy grail of unintentionally hilarious actors, and his campiness does not disappoint. Trust me.
6. Frogs (1972)
It’s an old, corny movie about killer frogs. Yup, killer frogs. I don’t know what the fuck is going on either.
5. Leprechaun: In The Hood (2000)
Three rappers and a pimp unleash an evil leprechaun that goes around killing people in “da hood.” For some reason, Ice T is in it. People get murdered with bongs. It’s also vaguely racist throughout, and for some reason it ends with the Leprechaun rapping. #BARZ
4. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
An infamously terrible turd stain of a film, it has to be seen to be believed. I’m not making this up: One of the actors died halfway through the shooting and they replaced him with an actor that looks NOTHING like him and make no attempt to explain anything. It’s wonderful.
3. The Happening (2008)
What the fuck happened to M. Night Shyamalan, man? In this intense thriller, humanity is being killed by a mysterious airborne illness. The big dramatic twist? The disease is being caused by… plants. Seriously, plants. And trust me, you have not lived until you’ve seen Mark Wahlberg try to reason with a plant.
2. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
Words can’t describe this one. Birdemic is a hilariously terrible pile of dogshit that everyone needs to experience at least once in their life. Evil birds attack people, with the corniest photoshop special effects you have ever seen. Everything about it is painfully entertaining. Watch it, absorb it, and thank the gods for giving it to us.
1. Troll 2 (1990)
Okay, this is not a suggestion, and this is a not request; this is a command. You NEED to watch this fucking movie. It’s widely considered the worst film of all time. Its utter insanity has built a passionate cult following. There’s even a documentary about it called “Best Worst Movie.” It’s the most entertaining thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t believe me? Check out this 21-second clip and tell me it’s not beautiful..
Image via YouTube