Consider this a trouble shooting guide to save yourself from sticking your dick in a vice trap brimming with crazy.
- She abruptly tells you she has “basically no female friends.” Wally covered this, but in my experience this is a definite precursor to a conversation starting with “so I went to the doctor…” She has STDs.
- She asks for the birthdays of your dog and or siblings. This is an absurdly pathetic attempt at finding out your phone’s access code, not just her being nice.
- She claims to actually “love” assorted objects, both connected to your person and not, entering her back door. Life is not a Pornhub video, she’s either horrifically insecure, or her uncle was the first in there years ago.
- She discusses the philandering antics of her exes without questioning or prompting. While what her past boyfriends did isn’t her fault, her obsessing over it is the strongest precursor to a horribly controlling relationship. Wear a rubber, coming from someone who would rather put his dick in a tube sock.
- She has a small dog in her college dorm or apartment. At first, this might seem cute. But don’t be fooled. This is the move of a heartbroken and directionless person, subjecting that poor animal to a lonely life stranded inside as she goes to class and gets fucked by assorted athletes.
- When discussing sexual history, which is unfortunately an inevitable part of a relationship, she “doesn’t really know” her “number.” While this might be fun for a wild one night addition to the lifetime spank bank, a girl that’s blown more guys than James Franco (and that’s ALOT of dicks) is usually a nut. Pun intended.
- She’s blocked assorted former boyfriends and or “friends” on social media. I’ll never understand this oddly common move, as if by remaining virtual “friends” somehow the breakup wasn’t real. If you’re so attached to someone you can’t handle getting a “it’s your friend’s birthday” notification once a year, you shouldn’t be broken up. And you sure as fuck shouldn’t be the one dating her.
- She sleeps with a stuffed animal in college. The more animals, the worse it gets. This is the kind of woman that pulls the condom off and proclaims “we’re going to be so happy together.” You’re not her knight in shining armor, jerk off instead. Or let her do it, I guess. But tread carefully.
- The rest of her sorority hates her. Think about this for a second: why do you hate the token the loser in your house that nobody can stand? Well, the same works for their house, only worse. Odds are she’s some combination of psychotic, dishonest, boyfriend-stealing, cum-gargling, lunatic. No, honey, it’s not “because they’re all jealous.”
- She poops. While this is obviously an inevitable part of being alive, only once in my life have I encountered a woman that in the early stages of a sexual encounter/relationship has openly baked a brown loaf in my apartment. This woman destroyed my toilet, leaving me concerned for not just her physical well being, but clearly deteriorating mental health. Even I, as a disgusting male, NEVER go in her place during the amoebic stages.
- She pushes you to have a three way. While on paper this sounds awesome, trust me it’s not the recipe for a sustainable relationship. Happened to me only once, but when I became nothing but a somewhat satisfied spectator during what I thought would be a Siblings sandwich, I quickly realized something that holds true to this day: she was a lesbian. At least they’re still happily together. Fuck, that could’ve been a good column. Anyway, in my extremely limited multiple women at a time experience, it should take a great deal of time, trust, and discussion for that to happen. Not a first weekend “she’s sexy” at the local watering hole.
- She walks around naked in front of her parents. This is just fucking gross and something I’ve encountered twice. I can’t described to you the feeling of sitting on a couch, an unsuspecting guest in the home of your slam’s parents, when all of a sudden she comes downstairs fully naked to grab a bottle of water. Nobody skipped a fucking beat, both times. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in these families, but in my mind the “familial nudity” era ends at about age 3, almost 20 years before my crazed conquests..
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