We can be honest here, breakups are brutal. It’s the end of an important chapter in your life, because having to make the effort to break up with someone rather than, say, fade on her slowly, means you’ve invested a lot of time and emotion into a relationship. At some point, you’ll need to sit with your friends, get drunk, and let it all out–but now is not that time. You have only the slightest lead on this breakup, and you are now in direct competition with the girl you just split with to see who can come out of it looking the strongest. You never, ever want to lose a breakup. Here’s how to break up like a fucking champion.
1. Chances are, your Facebook profile picture is of the two of you. Change it to you doing something awesome. The day after the split, go out raging with your boys and snap a picture of you rocking karaoke on top of the bar. Don’t bother deleting all the pictures of the two of you together. It’s too much effort and it looks desperate.
2. No drunk texting. None.
3. Get a puppy. Puppies are cute and one of them will make you feel better. Yours will attract the ladies and there’s also the added bonus of pissing off your ex, because fighting with puppies is a dirty move.
4. Your boys will tell you to go out and get some strange. They’re only partially right. You need to LEAVE TOWN and get some strange. Even if the girl cheated on you, the last thing you want is to be seen out in public with another girl in the immediate days and weeks post-breakup, because it looks bad to other girls. Girls don’t like a guy who seems to be callous and flippant about the end of a relationship, no matter how much you might actually be hurting on the inside. If you ultimately want to move on with someone else, it’s best to not poison the well.
5. Don’t be rude to her. She’s looking for any opportunity to trash you to every female you’ve ever met (or will meet) so don’t give her ammunition.
6. She might reach out one night for you to come over. Do not give in and hook up with her. There’s nothing that makes a guy look more mentally strong than the act of turning down sex.
7. If you’re going to get drunk, do it with good booze. Nothing makes heartbreak worse than bottom-shelf liquor.
8. Don’t ask your friends to hate her for you. There is always the chance that you two will get back together, and the last thing you need is your friends being stuck in a quagmire of shitty things they said about her on your behalf.
9. Show up to her door with all of her stuff she left at your place neatly arranged in a box. It has the lovely dual effect of being gentlemanly while also casually telling her to go fuck herself.
10. Tell anyone who asks the exact truth behind why you both broke up. Her friends are probably being fed a bullshit, one-sided answer, but they’ll start to doubt her account of the event if everyone else seems to have the actual facts.
11. If she cheated on you, you would have the upper hand. If you cheated on her, you would need to come to terms with the fact that you’re the asshole here.
12. Get back in shape. Relationships invariably add some love pounds to everyone. Nothing says, “girl, you done fucked up” better than her seeing a shredded version of you at the pool.
13. Moping around is fine, but the amount of time you do it should be proportional to how long you were in this relationship. Your friends don’t want you spending six months in a funk after ending a three-month relationship.
14. Go play golf with your pops. He has more good breakup advice than all of your friends combined.
At the end of the day, all of this comes down to two things: honesty and composure. I know, it sounds about as interesting as CSPAN coverage of a House Budgetary Committee bathroom break, but it’s ultimately the best way to win. What does “winning” a breakup ultimately mean? It means that when the dust settles, she’s begging to have you back, other girls are so impressed that they’re lining up to get their shot at the king, and you are happy and satisfied with where you’re at, and able to take your pick of all the options that are now on the table. Ultimately, this is a college relationship that probably wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway, so picking yourself up and moving on in a timely manner is important.
Don’t forget that college is really about having a good time. As some poet once said, “Living well is the best revenge, but a line of big booty Judys going out your door can’t hurt.”.