15 Ways To Make Christmas Break Your Bitch

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Christmas break is bittersweet. Finals are over and you don’t have to worry about nonsense like school. However, you’re going back home, and more often than not, where you grew up can’t hold a candle to your college town. Suddenly, drinking at 9 a.m. is no longer acceptable, and that infinite well of top-tier poontang runs dry. The struggle is very real. You could do some of the cliché bullshit like hook up with an ex-girlfriend to pass the time, or you could switch it up like I do. Here are 15 ways to make Christmas break your bitch.

  1. Swat that mistletoe away from the creeper who keeps trying to tongue every girl at the party. Follow up with a Dikembe Mutombo finger wag for good measure.
  2. Pregame Christmas Eve mass and then heckle the priest if his homily goes unnecessarily long. Throw money at the ushers on your way out if they politely ask you to leave.
  3. Go over to your parents’ fully-stocked liquor cabinet, shake your head, and say, “I guess this will do.”
  4. Buy a round of shots for all those high school heroes who are still living in the glory days at the local bar. Condescendingly say, “You need this more than I do.”
  5. Throw down with any asshole who has the nerve to wish you “happy holidays.”
  6. Return every gift your parents bought you, buy what you really want on their dime, and act surprised when you open them on Christmas, cheerfully exclaiming, “You shouldn’t have!”
  7. Get an over-the-pants hand job (OTPHJ) while dressed in a Ralphie bunny suit so she won’t shoot her eye out.
  8. Get smashed dressed as Santa, break into a stranger’s home, and crush the gallon of milk in the fridge and every cookie in sight. Proceed to leave a gift of puke under their tree.
  9. Mass group text “Merry Christmas!” to everyone in your contacts. Enjoy the chaos that ensues.
  10. Remember that neighbor who ratted you out for having a party back in tenth grade? Good. Grab an axe, cut down his prized evergreen pine tree from his front lawn, toss that shit over your shoulder like your name’s Paul fucking Bunyan, and bring Christmas joy back to your home while simultaneously bringing holiday heartbreak to theirs.
  11. Berate the person who shows up with a fruitcake in hand until he leaves out of sheer discomfort.
  12. Shamelessly go to town on some broad in your childhood bedroom. The next morning, walk her out in front of your parents, give her an ass slap, fire a wink at your pops, and ask your mom if she made breakfast for the two of you.
  13. Pull up the “virtual yule log” on your TV Christmas morning. Punch out anyone who so much as reaches for the remote.
  14. When your family catches you with a cartoonish, Tony Montana-esque amount of cocaine, throw it up into the air LeBron James-style and explain that you just wanted to make it a white Christmas.
  15. Buy your socially crippled cousin a pocket pussy. When he opens it, gleefully exclaim, “It’s almost like the real thing!” in front of the whole extended family.

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