Are you afraid that your girl is about to leave you? Are you not ready to go back to touching yourself regularly but you’re secretly a tiny bit excited that you’ll at least get a good arm workout but deep down you know that you’re secretly just trying way too hard to be optimistic? Was that last sentence way too long? Am I asking too many questions? Can jet fuel melt steel beams?
If you’re feeling some painful paranoia, I can help you sift through the bullshit and search for the actual truth. Let’s sit down and examine the facts and try to find out what the hell is going on in your relationship right now. Are you guys in the last stages or are you just being too neurotic? Here are some of the most severe warning signals that your girlfriend is going to break up with you soon. Sorry.
- She’s acting distant. She doesn’t even look you in the eye when she tells you to go fuck yourself.
- You guys are fighting more than ever. She starts fights over little insignificant shit that doesn’t even matter (choosing a parking spot, choosing a movie to see, you fucking her sister, etc.).
- She seems like she’s showing interest in other guys. You even caught her flirting with your Uncle Ron (and your Uncle Ron has been dead for six years).
- She never wants to have sex with you. You guys don’t even know where the strap-on is anymore.
- She knows you can’t take a joke because you got mad that I just joked about you getting fucked in the ass.
- She won’t stop listening to Adele and/or Drake. And if she listens to an Adele/Drake collab album, that’s a HUGE red flag because that album doesn’t even exist.
- She keeps bringing home all the shit she’s left over at your place over the years (shirts, books, DVDs, her dignity).
- She realizes that Bradley Cooper is single and thinks she might have a shot.
- Don’t fact-check that last one. I don’t even know if Bradley Cooper is single. I just saw The Hangover Part II is playing on FX so I randomly thought of that. Also this movie reminded me that Paul Giamatti has gained A LOT of weight.
- You’re Paul Giamatti and you’ve gained A LOT of weight.
- She realizes that Heath Ledger is technically single and she definitely has a shot unless he was cremated.
- She might secretly be a lesbian and you can tell because she’s AMAZING at softball.
- She found your Make America Great Again hat.
- You don’t give her that good D anymore. You haven’t made her cum in weeks and when she DOES cum it’s because she’s secretly pretending you’re Bradley Cooper and/or Heath Ledger’s corpse.
- You caught her fucking her Sociology 101 professor and she didn’t even apologize this time.
- She says weird, suspicious shit like “I’m breaking up with you.”