17 Ways To Bring Spring Break To You

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So rather than enjoying the national treasure that is Panama City Beach, you’re spending spring break in your college town, or worse yet, back home with Mom and Pops. This could be for a number of different reasons: you’re the broke brother that works three jobs just to afford fraternity dues, you’re too apathetic to actually follow through with any plans, or people straight up despise you and you weren’t invited by a single soul. It doesn’t matter why, but you’re scraping ice and snow off your car while your girlfriend is getting spin roasted by two cock laying Casanovas in the back of Harpoon Harry’s.

Now you could mope around and live vicariously through friends’ Facebook and Instagram posts, or you could get creative and bring the shitstorm experience to you. If you want to be in Cabo then be in Cabo. The only limitation is your imagination.

Here are 17 ways to bring spring break to you.

  1. Go to a campus hotbed and hold up slam dunk contest score cards for every and any person that walks by.
  2. Whenever it’s an attractive girl, kindly inform her about the “tits out for the boys” policy.
  3. Beer bong every beverage you ingest. Coffee included.
  4. Turn the grocery store P.A. system into open mic karaoke.
  5. If your boss gives you any shit for your neon tank top that reads “Party with sluts” plastered on the front, fight him.
  6. Lock down as much real estate as possible by planting your fraternity flag wherever you go.
  7. Start a twerk contest at Sunday mass.
  8. Rock a glob of sunscreen on your nose and a Nick Saban-esque straw hat all week.
  9. So long as you have your clubs and throw away balls (Top Flites), anywhere instantly becomes a driving range.
  10. Ask girls to take tequila shots out of your noodle. Pull out your pool floatation device to save face when they walk away in disgust.
  11. Have your weekly diet consist of nothing but alcohol and day old, soggy second halves of Subway sandwiches.
  12. Scream “Woo Spring Break 2015” after doing anything remotely fun.
  13. Scream “Theta Chi rules” after doing anything remotely illegal.
  14. Point to your colorful wristband and say “this should cover it” whenever asked to pay for something.
  15. Carry around a Super Soaker and spray anyone in a white top.
  16. Have a different yet equally sad and emotionally unstable townie drive you front point A to point B all week.
  17. Sneak some strange back into a Holiday Inn you currently aren’t staying at.

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