18 Things Your Fraternity House Should Never Run Out Of

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Sometimes resources are scarce. Whether it’s because of some fairytale-like “climate change” or a complete lack of preparation on the part of a few individuals, your inability to have certain necessities can lead to a serious in-house crisis. That’s why, in case of an emergency, you should always have the following items on hand. If you don’t, well, you’re just asking for a complete in-house catastrophe.

  1. Pledges: Indentured servitude is never a bad thing to have around, and running out is the number one sign that your house is dead on the freeway.

  2. Booze: No goofy juice at the castle means one of two things. Either A) You suck, or B) You’re prepared for 48+ hours of Hell.
  3. Toilet Paper: Ever wiped your ass with crinkled-up notebook paper? I have, and it’s a dangerous game.
  4. Tobacco: Nic-fits were the worst part of Hell Week. Your boy almost begged the Pledge Ed for a sip of dip spit.
  5. Vessels For Said Tobacco: I knew a kid that would just huck his chew wherever. Inside wasn’t off limits. He was a real fuck. Glasses are easier to wash than floors, Mark.
  6. Condoms: Just kidding.
  7. Plan B: That’s more like it.
  8. Peanut Butter: Not bread, not jelly — just straight PB. Shit’s nutritious and lasts forever. They say Dan eats four jars a day.
  9. Golf Balls: The pledges can only retrieve so many of your shanks. Those guys suck at everything.
  10. Fish Tanks: How does anyone even get laid without an aquarium? The best part? You can just lie and say the fish are sleeping after you don’t feed them for a week. She’ll be none the wiser.
  11. Butter: Unlike your imaginary fish, pledges need to eat. Butter is for closers.
  12. Recreational Substances: You know, like paint and wood… for carpentry. What did you think I meant?
  13. Hundred Dollar Bills: For the paint and wood.
  14. Batteries and Socks: Unrelated, but refer to number one. Just to recap, I swear.
  15. Bandages: You know Dingo’s going to need one. That crazy fuck just won’t stop jumping off elevated surfaces.
  16. Duct Tape: God damn it, Dingo.
  17. Para-cord: Para-cord is duct tape’s textile cousin.
  18. Gas: Seriously, what kind of two bit operation runs out of gas? You’d have to have a seriously plummeting economy and lie about your state of education to do something like that.
Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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