Columns

20 Differences Between A Frat Wedding And An NF Wedding

dda6a9df14dff6ab66c36752d44b16d11049759582-590x393

Not Frat Wedding: Don’t see the bride the day of the wedding.
Total Frat Wedding: Spit game with the maid of honor too, if you can swing it.

NFW: Quietly admire your bride walking down the aisle to Pachelbel’s “Canon in D.”
TFW: Powerpoint at the bride as the organist plays Phil Collins’ “Sussudio.”

NFW: Humbly nod and thank the bride’s father after he gives her away.
TFW: Whisper into the ear of the bride’s old man, “I’m hitting that tonight.”

NFW: “Dearly beloved, we gather here today…”
TFW: “Dearly hungover, we rolled out of bed before kickoff today…”

NFW: Tearfully listen to your bride’s vows that express her unconditional, undying love for you.
TFW: Pretend to listen to what that chick’s blabbering about; actually play Snake on your phone.*

*Ed. Note- how sweet was Snake on Nokia back in the day? – J. Parks)

NFW: Open up emotionally like never before as you reciprocate your vows to your bride-to-be.
TFW: Go off on a fifteen minute, J&B fueled rant about your future parents-in-law that’s unintelligible at best, and “too true for comfort” at worst.

NFW: If Jewish, wear a Yarmulke, and honor the millennia-old traditions of the homeland by stepping on a lightbulb, symbolizing “may our love last as long as it takes to repair this glass,” or something.
TFW: Wear a bourbon-stained Reagan-Bush ’84 rope hat, and stomp the Red Solo cup you were drinking Natty out of, symbolizing that you will be a degenerate during the brevity of your marriage.

NFW: Take your bride by the hand, and put a gorgeous wedding band on her finger that will make all of her girlfriends jealous.
TFW: Take your bride by the hand, and show her the secret to a good wink-‘n-finger pistol. A true gift of envy.

NFW: “You may now kiss the bride,” followed by slightly open-mouthed kiss.
TFW: Full-on face mowing.

NFW: Sprint down the aisle smiling and hand-in-hand with your wife.
TFW: Sprint down the aisle to the men’s room by yourself because you broke the seal during the procession.

NFW: Classy cocktail hour, with the wait staff distributing exquisite hors d’oeuvres.
TFW: Power hour, and mint juleps on the side.

NFW: Bridal parties gather outside for formal photographs.
TFW: The bridesmaids take selfies and throw up what they know for 45 minutes.

NFW: Limo leaves with cans tied to the back.
TFW: Limo leaves with beer cans being chucked out the side windows at cars in the next lane.

NFW: Cash bar, beer and wine only.
TFW: Open bar with a fine single malt collection.

NFW: The Best Man and Maid of Honor tap their glasses and give nostalgic good luck toasts.
TFW: No one’s left to give a toast because the Best Man and Maid of Honor have snuck off to a broom closet.

NFW: You and your bride share your ceremonial first dance over Sir Elton John’s “Your Song.”
TFW: You and your bride drunkenly sway to “Wagon Wheel.”

NFW: Time for you to cut the cake.
TFW: Ice cream cake.

NFW: Bride tosses the bouquet into a crowd of her best friends.
TFW: dafb9f0f20cca34761ae8d8b01028f78936848577-414x800

NFW: Guests toss bird seed at your honeymoon-bound limo.
TFW: Pledge taxi to the airport, even though you’ve already graduated and that pledge has no idea who you are.

NFW: Consummate your marriage as man and wife. Finally.
TFW: Been there, done that.

***

Email this to a friend

J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

50 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More