Here we are in late July, and you haven’t been around a pledge in months. You miss the pledges. You don’t miss them because you enjoy their company, obviously. You miss them because you haven’t hazed in so long. You have an itchy trigger finger, and it’s starting to show in your everyday life back at home.
These are 20 signs that it’s been too long since you hazed a pledge.
1. You’ve watched Road House 15 times so far this summer.
2. You suggested to your boss that wall sits and bows ‘n’ toes were adequate forms of punishment when interns show up late to work.
3. You can’t stop telling your 4-year-old brother to stop acting like a pussy.
4. You pump-faked your mailman for simply bringing mail up to your doorstep.
5. Living room practice swings with your air 7-iron have been replaced with actual paddle swings in the garage.
6. You continuously yell at the lawn guy, “Missed a spot!” when, in actuality, he hadn’t missed a single spot.
7. You haven’t done your laundry since summer began.
8. You yelled at your little brother for not finishing his cereal.
9. You sternly told the intern that was hired only one week after you, “You’re in my world now.”
10. After another intern asked for your help on an assignment, you responded, “Find a way.”
11. You had a dream that a pledge talked back to you so you could respond appropriately.
12. You had a nightmare that the pledges didn’t fuck up a single time all semester.
13. You make your little brother recite the alphabet, which he is still learning, in under 10 seconds.
14. You told your barber to stop eye-fucking you through the reflection in the mirror.
15. You abandoned leg days in the gym so you could double-up on your upper body paddle muscles.
16. You shoulder-checked an intern while passing him in the hallway.
17. Your shoe came untied one week after leaving school, and you refuse to retie it yourself.
18. You were asked by your mom to help your little brother learn how to swim, and you responded by tossing him in the pool and saying, “Figure it out.”
19. You got fired from your internship for lashing out at the sandwich delivery guy.
20. You told your entire family, while sitting at the dinner table enjoying a nice meal, “All of you chug like pussies.”