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20 Things The NSA Would Hear If Tapping Your Rush Chair’s Phone

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Rush is in full swing, and your rush chair, the asshole that he is, has a lot of correspondences going on. With rush, there are a lot of moving parts to coordinate, lots of phone calls to make, texts to fire out, and invitees to notify. With the recent news of the National Security Agency’s phone tapping capabilities, I thought it’d be fun to imagine what they’d hear if they were to listen in on a fraternity rush chair’s conversations right in the middle of fall rush.

Here are 20 things the NSA would hear if tapping your rush chair’s phone:

1. “You can’t make me invite that creepy Scott kid. I’ll literally set my phone on fire if you go near it.”

2. “I just called and invited that kid that brought the chick with the hammers last night. He’s in. I asked him if he’s bringing that same chick with the hammers. It’s a go.”

3. “Legacy or not, I will haze this kid until he cries. Or dies. Whichever comes first.”

4. “Hey Eric, it’s the Delta rush chair. I’m calling to let you know you’re invited to a rush event tomorrow night. Should be an awesome time. I think I heard we’re getting something like 75 kegs. Crawling with chicks, too. That one chick with the hammers is supposed to be there.”

“Oh man, that sounds like a blast. I wish I could make it, but I already committed to attend the Lambda rush party tomorrow. Maybe next time!”

“Fuck you, Eric.”

5. “Why are all legacies complete boners?”

6. “Well, I don’t care if he’s your boy from back home. He’s a goddamn loser.”

7. “Why does my phone smell like a stripper’s vagina?”

8. “Don’t let Daniels mix the punch tomorrow. He’s not to be trusted. I caught him trying to put coke in it last time. Yeah, coke coke.”

9. “You’re not gonna believe this. I caught Stu and Dozer lining the floor and walls of Stu’s room with rolls of plastic. They told me they’re turning it into a topless swimming pool. We’ve got to keep those two on a leash.”

10. “The Lambdas are throwing a rush party tonight, a toga party actually. We’re gonna see if Johnson’s gay brother is free tonight.”

“What? Why? I don’t get it…”

“We’re gonna send him over there on a covert mission to hit on all the rushees, maybe even get a little handsy with them and make them think their active members are all like that.”

“That they’re all gay? God you’re sick.”

“It is what it is.”

“How do you know he’ll agree to do it?”

“I just know. Johnson says he’ll do anything for a bottle of white zinfandel. Like anything.

11. “You’re pledging who?! Hahahahahaha, what an idiot!”

12. “That kid Jared thinks he’s getting a bid. What a nerd. I wish I could see the look on that little fuck’s face when it doesn’t come.”

13. “This Carl?”

“Yes, sir!”

“You won’t be getting a bid, Carl. Stop coming to our parties.”

14. “Remember that kid we walked up on getting a tug on the balcony while carrying on a casual conversation with us? That was Parker’s brother. He’s getting a bid.”

15. “Hey man, glad you came. Did you bring Hammers with you?”

16. “Hey man, is this Paul?”

“It is, who’s this?”

“Delta rush chair. How about coming up to the house an hour before the party starts and we’ll see about locking that bid down for you?”

“Definitely! I will be there. What an honor! Can I bring my roommate and best friend with me? Remember the guy I introduced you? You chatted with for a couple minutes. Great guy. Can I bring him?!”

“No, actually. We all talked about it and it turns out everyone in the house hates his fucking guts.”

17. “Do you care if I have sex with your sister tonight? I mean I’m going to anyway. I just want to know if you’re gonna care when it happens.”

18. “Anyone have a good tarp guy?”

19. “Trust me. You don’t want to go to their house. You ever hear of the elephant walk?”

20. “This is gonna be the worst pledge class ever. I can feel it.”

***

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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