2013 Predictions From The TFM Staff

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The TFM writing staff was asked, “What do you think will happen in 2013?” Here are their responses.

Bacon

Honestly I didn’t think past 2012, because I had assumed the world was going to end this past December, so I really haven’t given the future much thought. Usually I’d be practical and take some educated guesses about what the future holds based on what I have read and heard. But, because of what I thought was the world’s impending doom, I haven’t read anything other than the Bible and porno mags I had stocked up in my basement in case I was left behind after the Rapture. So because of that, I’ll have to take some wild shots in the dark here.

1. The first quarter of the Alabama-Notre Dame game will be close, Notre Dame might even be leading at the end of it, which will cause Notre Dame fans to shout and tweet with smarmy delight, “SEE!?! GUESS IT’S NOT GONNA BE SUCH A BLOW OUT AFTER ALL!”

Alabama will then spend the next three quarters doing to Notre Dame what Nick Saban does to the souls of the damned who enter his dark realm after death; rip off their heads and shit down their bleeding neck holes. After that, Notre Dame fans will shout and tweet things like, “OH, SORRY OUR PLAYERS WERE TOO BUSY GETTING A GOOD EDUCATION INSTEAD OF TRAINING FOR FOOTBALL ALL DAY! MUST BE NICE TO NOT HAVE TO GO TO CLASS!”, and, “YOU KNOW WHAT’S BETTER THAN HAVING A TROPHY??? HAVING A DIPLOMA!!!”

Fuck you, Notre Dame fans.

2. Super porn will be invented. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how they’ll do it. All I know is it will force everyone to rethink the way penises go into vaginas and mouths and b-holes on camera. Inevitably amateurs will attempt copycat this super porn, leading to several very public, very horrific deaths. This in turn will result in public outcry, a congressional inquiry, and the most semen related testimony in Washington since the Clinton years.

Look for a super porn star to testify before a congressional committee and avoid a serious question by stating, “Like I’ve said earlier, I’m not going to go into my ass, or talk about my ass.”

3. None of my favorite sports teams will win a championship. None.

4. There will be an assault weapons ban in the U.S., but then a tribe of sasquatches will be discovered in Oregon, feasting on the remains of Bear Grylls and a team of hikers testing out new Nike outdoor gear. That ban will then be quickly lifted, and swift, righteous death will be brought upon those terrifying, bloodthirsty man-apes.

Over the next few years more sasquatches will be discovered living in the caverns of the Pacific Northwest. Eventually, we will take those caverns from them, and strip the caves of their ample resources, and many sasquatches will die off from newly introduced diseases, such as herpes (contracted from super porn actors looking to expand into the sasquatch fetish market). Then, we will move the sasquatches to new, smaller, more desolate caverns, and begin naming our sports teams after them while the sasquatches open casinos deep underground. One day, sasquatches will be fully assimilated into American society, we will apologize profusely for our sins against them, and the football team the Washington Hair Faces will have to change their name for the second time in fifty years.

Rage Theory

Most predictions are complete bullshit, but if you make up enough shit, some of it’s bound to come true…eventually. If none of this shit happens in 2013, then it will become part of the archaeological record. I will chisel these prophesies into stone, and bury them in my back yard. Thousands of years from now, people will wonder how I could predict the future with such accuracy, and they shall worship me, rightfully.

1. Obama sells America to China to pay for welfare programs.

2. Iran destroys Israel in a nuclear holocaust. America sends Iran back into the dark ages.

3. The Mayans were wrong, which means fuck you, you still have to get a job and pay taxes.

4. Psychopathic mass murderers start killing celebrities instead of innocent people. The Kardashian Bill is passed in the senate, which grants full immunity for crimes that benefit humanity.

5. The NSA reveals, “That’s no moon” and starts using the Death Star on terrorists.

6. North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, in an attempt to be more ridiculous than his father, builds a 600-foot tall obelisk in Pyongyang. State run media sources confirm that it is an accurate replica of dear leader’s penis, built to scale.

7. TSA scandal reveals that airport security employees are pedophiles and sodomizers.

8. Scientists successfully recreate the initial conditions of the big bang in a particle accelerator. It explodes and creates a new universe within our own. It’s a big bang within a big bang: Bangception.

9. The United States realizes it can avoid the fiscal cliff by delaying it forever.

10. Mexican cartels become the most powerful anti-drug lobbyists in Washington.

11. Texas secedes from the United States. Austin secedes from Texas.

12. Aliens receive Fox News broadcasts and determine that there is no intelligent life on Earth.

13. The Church of Scientology is declared to be a criminal organization. Those with Operating Thetan Level III board their intergalactic DC-8 and leave Teegeeack forever. Tom Cruise goes back into the closet.

14. Apple re-releases the original iPhone and calls it the iPhone “retro.” Millions of hipsters throw away their iPhone 5s and buy the shitty vintage one to be trendy. Apple stock skyrockets.

15. Disney buys Guantanamo Bay and names it Freedomland. Admission is $100 and you can’t ever leave.

16. Nicolas Cage stars in another shitty movie, and Nickleback releases another shitty album.

17. NASA sends another rover to Mars, which confirms our suspicions that there isn’t shit on Mars.

18. Time traveling tourists from the future invest in shitty companies that no one has ever heard of…today.

J. Parks

1. Keft for dead by Spielberg in Peru, famed archeologist Indiana Jones emerges from the Kingdom of the Skulls. In a stunning twist of fate, he stumbles upon an ancient burial ground, where Indy learns the truth about the apocalypse: the Mayans accidentally forgot to carry the one. 2013, not 2012, will be the end of the world.

2. Production begins on the long-awaited sequel to Birth of a Nation. The sequel is called Birth of a Nation 2: Afterbirth. Tim Tebow and Wesley Snipes co-star.

3. Quentin Tarantino goes on a nationwide tour, hoping to put an end to the race riots that have broken out because of Django Unchained. He is kidnapped by Spike Lee and the entire city of Brooklyn, who then lock him in a cage and throw dynamite at him.

4. An Alabama kicker misses a game-winning field goal as time expires, giving Notre Dame the championship. Furious that his master Lucifer has apparently reneged, Nick Saban calls upon his daughter to thrust open the bowels of the earth so that the entire state of Alabama can storm the gates of Hell.

5. With the entire state of Alabama (and their guns) engulfed in a pit of fire and brimstone, and no one left to defend America, President Obama unveils that he actually does have an army of communist robots, and storms the houses of patriots and sarcastic bloggers everywhere.

6. Rachel Maddow climbs on top of the tallest building, screams, “Glenn Beck was right!”, and throws herself off the balcony onto the train tracks below.

7. On the run from Obama’s Evil Empire, fugitive and former Governor Chris Christie diets solely on what is remaining of the Big East.

8. The first gay professional athlete comes out of the closet. Anderson Cooper is tasked with interviewing him from the scene of the apocalypse: New Year’s Eve at Times Square. However, no one can hear a word the athlete said, because Kathy Griffin is unable to stay quiet or clothed for over a minute.

9. As Obama’s Commubots are about to guarantee victory in New York, thus ensuring a millennium of darkness, Nick Saban makes a miraculous return at Times Square. Saban takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Ashton Kutcher, and that we’ve all just gotten Punk’d. Everything goes back to normal, everyone forgets about the piles of dead bodies, and we all show appreciation for Kutcher’s commitment to physical comedy.

10. Tied to the top of the One Times Square building as a sacrifice to Nick Saban’s daughter, the chin fat of the carcass of Dorn reaches the street of Times Square at the stroke of midnight, ushering in 2014.

W.R. Bolen

1. Alabama will absolutely destroy Notre Dame in the BCS National Championship, and I will not feel one ounce of emotion.

2. The Great Gatsby movie will underwhelm, much to the delight of critics.

3. Lindsey Lohan will release a lesbian threesome sex tape.

4. Erin Andrews will begin publicly dating an underperforming professional athlete.

5. The Houston Astros will fail to win a single game, causing owner Jim Crane to challenge manager Bo Porter to fisticuffs on the pitcher’s mound in order to entertain fans.

6. Kanye West will denounce his Kardashian love affair, and lovechild, on stage with a 16-minute autotuned rant in the middle of a 39-minute performance of “Runaway.”

7. Taylor Swift will get engaged.

8. People will complain about changes to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and iTunes layouts and user agreements.

9. Joe Biden will say “son of a bitch” on national TV.

10. Walt will survive the series finale of Breaking Bad, but Jesse will not.

11. Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Chrissy Teigan will live tweet her wedding to John Legend.

12. Hank Williams Jr. will flip the fuck out about gun control, move to South America and purchase a tank.

13. The Total Frat Move book will cause your mother and girlfriend to climax repeatedly and simultaneously.

14. Taylor Swift will call off her engagement.

15. Taylor Swift will release a double album, the first half consisting of love songs written during her engagement, and the second half consisting of hate songs written after she broke off her engagement.

Roger Dorn

1. Kate Upton will go full frontal in a magazine spread to try and breathe life into her declining, weight-gaining career. We are not all that impressed.

2. Tim Tebow will be cut from an NFL team.

3. Lee Corso will retire from ESPN Gameday mid-season after a graphic incident with a live animal mascot occurs on set.

4. Justin Bieber becomes a bare-knuckle cage fighter. Goes undefeated.

5. I run into Brooklyn Decker on the streets of Austin. I’m drunk. I publicly humiliate myself.

6. Nick Saban pulls a Woody Hayes and physically assaults a player during a game. Alabama fans love him for it.

7. Obama is recorded dropping a casual n-bomb in conversation.

8. Betty White dies of AIDS.

9. Taylor Swift has a very public, very ill-timed nip slip. She writes a song about it.

10. Notre Dame beats Bama in a thriller.

11. Jadeveon Clowney is a Heisman frontrunner, but he doesn’t win.

12. Canada gets tired of sitting on the sideline. They are the center of an intense international conflict, and as expected things go poorly. Eventually the U.S. bails them out.

13. Josh Hamilton will relapse on black tar heroin, leading to an unprecedented homerun tear.

14. Tiger Woods will win a major. He’ll celebrate with a prostitute.

15. TFM will hit 1,000,000 Twitter followers. We celebrate in Vegas. I lose my ass on the craps table but shoot the shit with Charles Barkley poolside at the Wynn. Bacon does shrooms for the first time, loses his mind, and walks through the casino floor bottom-less until security puts him to bed. Allen wins 5 grand playing casino War, and blows it all on three hookers. He ends up just talking with them all night instead of having sex. Hot Piece lays out topless in the Euro section of the pool, acting casual about it while we’re all in shock. Bolen tries to get us all tickets to Siegfried and Roy. We try to tell him the show ended like 10 years ago because one of the Tigers ate Roy’s pecker off. He becomes uncontrollably distraught and buys an early flight home.

***

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