Girls are pretty crazy sometimes. Sometimes because we make them that way, and sometimes just because women are different like that. That’s not real crazy though. What I’m talking about today is the terrifying kind of girl who personifies that clingy girlfriend meme. The kind of girlfriend you could potentially write a script for a big budget Hollywood thriller from after you break up with her. Keep an eye out for some of these red flags.
1) Her favorite movie is American Psycho, or the classic Mike Myers film Help, I Married an Axe Murderer.
2) “Killing Me Softly” is on her sex playlist.
3) She has a key to your house and your bedroom door, even though you haven’t given her either one.
4) You’ve lost half a pledge class of Secret Service pledges trying to get away from her.
5) You’re concerned she might not be joking about her dad being a super spy who will go Liam Neeson on you if you so much as make his daughter cry.
6) Somehow, she knows Krav Maga, and wants to use it on you in bed.
7) She has locked you in a sex dungeon.
8) The pledges are more afraid of her showing up to the house than your pledgemaster.
9) When she gets angry, she has Hulk-like strength and uses it to destroy your house, apartment, or other people, requiring you to possibly bail her out of jail.
10) Her eyes are the perfect combination of seductive and batshit insane. Sometimes they glow red. It would be hot if it wasn’t terrifying and potentially an evil omen of future misfortune. Like her biting your dick off or something.
11) Her sorority sisters hazed her once, and the resulting Carrie-esque aftermath caused three of them to change their names and transfer to different schools.
12) If you try to do a boys’ night at the house, something always ends up happening to cancel it, like a freak grease fire in the basement.
13) She’s threatened to blow you up via orbital missile strike, and you’re pretty certain she could pull it off.
14) She was unanimously voted in as sweetheart, but only because your brothers were concerned for your safety if she wasn’t.
15) The bouncers at your local bar are kind of afraid of her, despite being three times her size.
16) You’ve seen her personally drink an entire handle and continue to function even though she only weighs 115 pounds.
17) You’ve invested in spoofing technology to hide where your phone is so she can’t track you by GPS. It didn’t help.
18) You’re fairly certain you know how male black widow spiders feel.
19) You accidentally found the shrine she built to you in her closet, complete with a statue of you made out of things you had in your room.
20) She somehow got all of your social media passwords, and routinely posts from them as you, or chats with your friends claiming to be you.
21) On the crazy/hot scale, she’s the maximum value of both, so breaking up with her requires the use of the UN’s Syria negotiation team.
If you find yourself concerned about any of the above with your girlfriend: run. Seriously, pull a Walter White and change your identity. Disappear for a few years. Otherwise, you’ll end up having a Lifetime movie written about your life, and nobody wants that.