21st Century Fraternity Culture, According To Future Anthropologists

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21st Century Fraternity

I hate to be the one breaking it to you guys, but we’re all going to die. It’s not your fault, though. Our squishy flesh and rotting-from-the-inside bodies just don’t have that great of a shelf life. The real question, for immortality’s sake, is will we be remembered forever?

Of course we will.

Still, as society changes, so will fraternity life and, if there’s one thing Indiana Jones has taught us, future generations almost never understand the past. Here’s a glimpse at how our generation will be viewed by the next batch of humans.

Entertainment

21st Century Fraternities traveled in packs, making their means of entertainment almost entirely group oriented. Since Google had yet to implant Singular Multimedia Entertainment and Gaming Machines (SMEGMas) in the population’s head, fraternities had to decide what to do as a group. Various markings and graffiti found on the outside of certain residences indicate that particular groups were “cock gobblers” or “dog fuckers,” and most academics believe that such decisions took these houses longer to make. One medium of entertainment that was universal throughout fraternal tribes were tailgates, which were large festive events where the houses could unite to support their school’s champions in football. While they share a similar name, this sport was overwhelmingly more violent than the version played in modern times. Its brutal nature is believed to have been a sacrifice of sorts, as victory assured festivities and fornication for the coming weeks.

Partying

Alcohol was a necessity at social functions. As with all things held dear to the Ancient Greeks, its consumption was very communal and spiritual. The same kegs they would later use to throw at invading houses were treated with great reverence while still full. To properly worship a keg, one was lifted into the air and made to suckle at the tap like a mother’s teat. Academics call this practice a keg blowjob. Ancient fraternities were also fond of a substance called “cocaine,” a stimulant derived from the now extinct coca plant. It is unclear why fraternities used this substance (surviving testimony simply calls it “fucking incredible”), but experts believe that fraternal organizations played a key role in the endangering and extinction of coca plants, as ancient footage of various “Snow and Hoes” gatherings indicate its rampant use. In fact, every gathering regardless of title typically featured at least some quantity of the narcotic. It is unclear then what these different “themes” actually meant, but most believe they were a means of cultural expression and appreciation.

Social Delegation

Classism was a key component of the ancient fraternal rule. Across their university campuses, a system of tiers indicated who was able to host the most gatherings and mate with the most females in any given year. In recognition of their own inferiority, fraternities of a lower tier would pay symbolic tribute by throwing raw eggs and rotten produce at a top tier residence. Within a house, social class was almost always the same. There existed serfs, referred to as pledges, whose entire existence was built around servitude and manual labor. Various training exercises and character building activities were designed to push these servants into adulthood, at which time they could do things like eat off plates and sleep in beds. Failure to perform effectively resulted in a “blackball,” which experts believe involved some form of castration. Individuals who suffered the process were noted as never interacting with females again. Notably, the quality of future servants continued to decline with each passing year.

Of course research cannot explain all the habits of ancient fraternity men. How did they avoid overpopulation despite rampant sex? How were their grades so impressive? How, in spite of their deplorable way of life, did women find them so irresistible? None of this is clear, but hopefully further investigation will reveal more about this Golden Age of American culture.

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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