Fall kicks ass. Between endless tailgates, yoga pants, weather that is practically designed to accommodate your early morning hangover, and the general degenerate attitude behind a season introduced by a long awaited syllabus week, it is by far the best time of the year.
My favorite part of this blessed season, however, lies not in the daytime shenanigans that accompany college football, or the sweatpants that somehow make my ass look 10 times better. My all-time favorite part is the reemerging of the beards you all were unable to sport in the hot weather. I jumped on the beard bandwagon the first time I saw George Clooney with the perfect amount of scruff, located directly in between Michael Cera’s awkward ‘stache and the Gandalf-inspired manes you see on “Duck Dynasty.” I’m certainly not naïve enough to assume that there’s some underlying reason that so many beards come out to play this time of year, besides the fact that you guys are just too lazy to shave. Why should you? You know you can not only get away with it, but you can woo the women who are searching for their night in untamed stubble. Whatever your preference when it comes to your facial hair, I’d advise you to throw out your razors and let the beards commence. Here’s why.
- The right amount of scruff can make you look like a scraggly but nonetheless endearing stray puppy. Have you ever met a girl who doesn’t like puppies?
- If the whole college thing doesn’t work out, you’ll have a backup profession as a lumberjack.
- Beards tickle girls when you kiss them. Bitches love to laugh.
- If you’re a particularly messy partier, you could probably wring it out for a second drink when you run out.
- It will make you look more mature, even if you live off your parents’ money and basically struggle to function on a daily basis.
- Fuck shaving.
- Beards pretty much go with any lame party theme your fraternity decides to throw, especially those involving pirates.
- You can use all the money you’re saving on shaving cream and razors to instead fuel all the crazy, bearded sex you’ll have with attractive women.
- It will make you look tougher, even if you strive to hold your own in late night, drunken, hallway brawls.
- You can use your stubble to accentuate all the fucks you don’t give about personal hygiene.
- I speak on behalf of the entire female population when I say that your chances of scoring are way higher with a beard.
- It’s basically a blanket for your face.
- You can stroke it while you think about which type of top-shelf liquor you’d like to consume this evening.
- It’ll make you look slightly classier when you inevitably wind up with a 30 of Natty and a handle of Congress.
- If you grow it, girls will come.
- You’ll have a talking point if you ever come across a fellow bearded man.
- Jesus had a beard.
- Having a beard is like having a second set of hair.
- It’s been scientifically proven that girls are incapable of saying no to formal invitations from men with facial hair.
- If you were to wear a vest and a top hat, you’d look like a founding father, thus producing the most patriotic Halloween costume ever.
- It will intimidate your enemies, or at least remind them that you kind of went through puberty.
- Ample amounts of scruff is the perfect disguise for those who suffer from chronic and debilitating baby face.
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