22 Ways To Cope With The Polar Vortex

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As another Polar Vortex bears down on America, campuses in the Northeast and Midwest are facing record low temperatures, which have seen thousands of classes cancelled, and all-but rendered normal social activities a real burden.

Thanks to more than a foot of snow left over from last week, most institutions above the Mason-Dixon still remain in a deep freeze, yet another storm is poised to dump a ton of snow from Texas to North Carolina through this weekend.

As fraternity men up and down the east coast will seemingly all be conquered by the Polar Vortex in the near future, the question begs: how the hell do you survive it?

Here are a few ideas for you:

  1. Arrange your schedule so that this semester consists entirely of online classes. Petition your adviser if need be – you have Reynaud’s…
  2. Spend the entire day drinking inside, while dictating to a pledge how seriously he should be taking your online classes.
  3. Start a rumor that you got frostbite, and wait for girls’ sympathy to start rolling in.
  4. When it does, imply that warm baked goods directly delivered to your house will tremendously aid in your recovery.
  5. When said baked goods are delivered, make sure you offer to show her the fish tank in your bedroom, which has tragically frozen due to the Polar Vortex.
  6. Busting your ass on black ice isn’t worth the risk – make sure a warm pledge taxi is ready and waiting to chauffeur you to any night class.
  7. Wait. Disregard #6, you do that all year round anyway.
  8. If you must venture out into the arctic tundra, make like passengers on the Titanic and take a few flask nips before you make the plunge. It’ll warm you up inside.
  9. If you have time to kill on campus, start an impromptu snowball fight with a herd of girls. They’ll LOVE IT. Trust me. Especially the ones leaving a Women’s Studies class.
  10. If you have time to kill off campus, start an impromptu snowball fight with the rival house across the street. They’ll love it, and it can quickly escalate to a fist fight, if that’s your kind of thing.
  11. Hopefully at least one of your brothers has a Flexible Flyer sled. Imagine bundling up on it with a bottle of Makers while a few pledges drag you around campus…
  12. If an administrator questions you about the exploits mentioned in #11, stay resolute in telling him you’re, “conducting a social experiment.”
  13. Get a brother shit-faced one night and pull this prank from Out Cold.
  14. Build a giant snow frock (frat cock) on the aforementioned rival house’s lawn.
  15. Have the pledges maintain a two-story bonfire in the front yard. When your Chapter Advisor questions it, tell him you know nothing, but you do enjoy the warmth on your way to class and the ability to make s’mores on a whim.
  16. Invite some girls over for a Polar S’moretex party around your awesome bonfire. Make the pledges dress up like Eskimos, and serve drinks in glasses made of ice. This may legitimately cause you to get frostbite, in which case, revert to #3.
  17. If there’s a hill notorious for bike riders to bomb on your campus, empty a few Aquafina bottles at the bottom of it, and wait for the entertainment to begin.
  18. Have the pledges construct a pond hockey rink in your back yard. It’s always a good time lacing them up outside, and the rink can totally double as a curling arena when you throw the Team USA Olympics social in a few weeks.
  19. Get the frat hound a nice sweater and gallivant him up and down sorority row. Chances are a pretty girl will dig his style and subsequently come out wanting to meet him. In this case, make sure you mention your affinity for baked goods and your upcoming Polar S’moretex Party.
  20. If your house has a foyer with stairs leading to the front door, pile some snow up and pull a Kevin McAllister. Speaking from experience, if there is an absence of sleds, large baking trays work great.
  21. Plan and go on an actual ski trip with your brothers. You’ll make some great memories.
  22. Before the Polar Vortex subsides, stash some reserve snowballs in the kitchen freezer – you never know when they’ll come in handy down the line.
Ashley Schaeffer is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move. If you thought he was a woman, he'll take that as a compliment, because he loves women. Wooh. He's proud to hold two degrees from Penn State, and certainly contributed to the university's reputable rankings in the party school category during his time there. He's even more proud to anchor the TFM News team. Feel free to hit up his pager or drop an email (SchaefferTFM@gmail.com) with any warranted leads, or just to shoot the breeze about Philly sports. In the meantime, drop by his dealership for great deals on gently used BMW's.

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