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Find the biggest family member and immediately punch him or her in the face.
Tell everyone you’re dating someone named “Laquisha Bergstein.”
When you shake hands with someone, say, “Not too hard, you’ll hurt Laquisha Bergstein.”
Fart after every time you mention your minor in Fine Arts.
Stare off into the distance and say, quietly, “The horror, the horror.”
Claw at their eyes.
Buy a cat. Introduce it as your new girlfriend. Propose to it during dinner.
When your grandmother asks about school, say, “It’s fun,” then wink and lick your lips.
Rock a male side ponytail.
Keep referring to the turkey as whoever you’re talking to. As in, “I can’t wait to eat Uncle Steve. Uncle Steve is going to be so delicious. Oh! I mean the turkey! The turkey’s going to be delicious! Sorry Uncle Steve!”
Frequently and deeply sniff your fingers.
Quietly and individually offer everyone cocaine.
Tell your dad that your brother has a big announcement about him and his best friend Todd. Then take your two index fingers and sword fight with them.
Wear a cup. Smash the beer bottle you just chugged off your dick.
Challenge the oldest person to a pushup contest for their retirement money. When they laugh, get down and do as many push ups as possible and then say, “You’re up, pussy.”
Just keep asking, “Body shots?”
Bring deviled eggs. Point at them. Say, “That ain’t mayo!” And wink at your younger female cousin.
Put ketchup and mustard on the dog and then ask someone if they can get you a bun.
Point at the stuffing and say, “Can you believe my dick was there last night?”
Wear a fur coat then proceed to throw red paint on anyone who didn’t wear a fur coat.
Tell your vegetarian cousin to just picture the turkey as a vagina. Then say to her, You eat that all the time.”
After grace, sing the National Anthem.