23 Ways To Make Mizzou Great Again

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Nice Move

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It’s been roughly two weeks since Mizzou students have returned to class, and I’ve already been forced to fire off two embarrassing articles about the state of affairs. I hate it, and things need to change so we don’t repeat last year’s abomination. Here’s to making Mizzou great again:

  1. Legalize cocaine.

  2. Get a football team that’s better at football than protesting.
  3. Bring back Maty Mauk.
  4. Create fake safe spaces. Deport every interested student to a university in northern Canada.
  5. Don’t blind and kill puppies.
  6. Offer all administrators free backbone replacement surgeries.
  7. Buy a real tiger, let it loose on campus so that every class is a nonstop thrill ride.
  8. Encourage students to STFU and go to class.
  9. Fire Melissa Click Check this one off the list.
  10. Bulldoze it. Start from scratch.
  11. Recoup lost money by selling building names as ad space. The Trojan Condoms Business School and Julio’s Thongs For Men Library would bring in massive revenue.
  12. Only admit fraternity men and sorority women.
  13. Erase all history books.
  14. Bring back Quinton’s.
  15. Tell prospective female high school students they’ll get a personal, one-on-one meeting with alums Jon Hamm and/or Brad Pitt if they enroll.
  16. Replace all gender-neutral bathroom signs with the Nick Young meme.
  17. Save protests for worthy causes.
  18. Provide campus fraternities with a peace offering of 100 cases of Natty Light and have the delivery guy say “you know what this is for,” wink, and walk away.
  19. Offer mental health counseling to fraternity men dealing with the plight of joining a frat in the 21st century.
  20. Publicly sacrifice a freshman at The Columns.
  21. Burn down Lawrence, Kansas again to reassert your dominance.
  22. Stop fucking up.
  23. Win 10 football games so that everyone forgets about everything else.

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