24 Mistakes You’ll Make Freshman Year

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All freshmen are stupid. That’s not an insult to the modern day 18-year-old, because freshmen have always been stupid. I was stupid, all my friends were stupid–hell, Ronald Reagan was stupid. Freshmen are idiots, and they fuck up even the simplest things. It’s how you learn. By the time you take your victory lap, you’ll wish so badly that you could start all over with the wisdom you gained over the last five years, because it would’ve saved you a lot of trouble and probably gotten you laid a hell of a lot more. I’m not going to tell you what you should do–that’s up to you to decide. I will, however, tell you how you’re inevitably going to blow it.

  1. Not breaking up with your high school girlfriend.
  2. Thinking that it’s going to be exactly like the stories your dad told you. He hasn’t been a college student for a quarter of a century. Everything is different, and most of his stories are exaggerated anyway.
  3. Assuming that your professors will believe the shitty excuse you give them for absences or late assignments.
  4. Flirting with girls you barely know on Facebook.
  5. Scheduling an 8 a.m. class that you can take at literally any other time of the day.
  6. Assuming that your group of friends right now will be your group of friends when you graduate.
  7. Spending too much time playing video games.
  8. Dating the first girl who shows interest in you during Welcome Week.
  9. Getting so drunk every night that you tank your grades and have to spend the next three years busting your ass to pull them back up.
  10. Going home every time you need to do laundry.
  11. Thinking that your older sibling attending the same school will want to hang out with you all the time.
  12. Getting into a long term relationship.
  13. Taking advice from sophomores. They’re idiots, too.
  14. Deciding that you’re an expert on economics after taking a couple of lower-level business classes.
  15. Buying a whole new wardrobe made up exclusively of PRL and Sperrys.
  16. Assuming you can still eat the same way you did back when you played organized sports and not get fat.
  17. Taking the phrase “raw dog some randos” literally. Wrap up, boys.
  18. Buying every textbook that’s on your list.
  19. Buying any textbook at your school’s campus store.
  20. Not writing papers yourself. The ability to write is one of the few things you can learn in college that will legitimately help you later in life. Also, you can make some pretty solid money writing papers for other people.
  21. Doing anything in the same quantities that older guys are doing. This goes for booze, drugs, skipping class, and so on. Walk before you run.
  22. Getting hung up on a single girl. The friend zone is a myth. Sack up and move on.
  23. Assuming once you’re initiated, you’re on the same level as the other actives. You’re still a JI, kid. You’ve got a lot to learn.
  24. Not enjoying every day. College is short, and being an adult is overrated.
Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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