Cazzie, I realize you aren’t single, but that’s okay. I actually think it’s amazing you’re dating that one guy from Saturday Night Live, you know, the only cast member without a role in Ghostbusters. But even more so than his fame as the emaciated guy from the Bieber roast, I think it’s a true showing of your character that you’re with him. It takes a deeply compassionate person to be with someone stricken with AIDS. But anyway, if you want a man who’s never swallowed Lorne Michaels, here are 24 reasons I’m the right choice:
- An Inconvenient Truth was the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Fuck you, Al Gore.
- I’ll never suffer from shrinkage, even right out of the pool.
- I don’t have a small penis, but I am the victim of huuuuuge vaginas.
- I’m Jewish, but my favorite food is Palestinian fried chicken.
- I am not a low talker, nor will I ever wear a puffy shirt in public.
- I like to nap under my desk here at Grandex.
- I get along great with Wanda Sykes.
- If we’re together for 10 years, for our anniversary you can fuck somebody else.
- I’ll never jerk off if you don’t want me to. I even won a contest to prove it.
- I’m loyal. I’ve had the same 5 wood for years. I just like the way it feeeels.
- I harbor a deep seeded distrust for weather and mailmen.
- I use a sponge to seal envelopes, never my tongue. That shit is poisonous.
- The jerk store called, and they’ve run out of Pete Davidson.
- I grew up in a spiritually mixed household. To combat this, instead of a Christmas tree or menorah, we put up a bare metal pole.
- I’d never try to commit the switch with you, no matter how hot your roommate is.
- I find Michael J. Fox to be an abhorrent twat.
- I believe it was the Moops, not the Moors.
- I would excel on an IQ test. With limited cheating.
- I have a passion for marine biology and architecture.
- I once wrote a generally panned obituary for a beloved aunt.
- I hire prostitutes to drive in the carpool lane. We could fix this together.
- I’ll never invite a registered sex offender to Passover Seder.
- I know several African American Muslims that do NOT wear a bow tie.
- I’ll never tire the TiVo guy due to race.
- Once again, I’d like to reiterate I am not Pete Davidson.
Give me a shot. I’ll take you out to dinner, yada, yada, yada, we’re both exhausted. Only one of us is disappointed, though..
Image via Instagram/ @cazziedavid