On April 20, 2015, Waka Flocka Flame officially announced his candidacy for next year’s United States presidential election. In the riveting campaign video, Mr. Flame touched on several key issues, such as marijuana legalization (effective immediately in every state), women’s rights (they have enough power already), and pets in restaurants (get them the fuck out).
“But Waka can’t be president. He’s not 35, which is the legal minimum age to run for president. Everyone knows this, Boosh. This has nothing to do with being frat and you’re a dumbass with a tiny dick.” – SirFratsAlot69, age 14, Riverbank High School.
Shut up. Just shut the fuck up, SirFratsAlot69. Everything you said is true, but I don’t think Waka is aware of this ageist discrepancy. Let’s not burst his bubble. Instead, let’s fantasize about the state of our union under the leadership of America’s most ambitious, most Waka-licious candidate.
If Waka Was President:
- Monika Lewinsky would blow him. He wouldn’t apologize.
- The National Anthem would be shouted over a heavy trap beat.
- The singular position of First Lady would be scrapped for several positions ranging from Bottom Bitch to Lame-Ass Ho.
- Concealed weapons would be legal for everyone, as long as they are safely tucked into the waistband of a pair of basketball shorts. Police and armed forces would be trained to hold firearms at a 45-degree angle.
- He would mandate that his presidential cabinet be filled with fresh Ecko threads, Jordans, and bling. No one would have the heart to tell him what the presidential cabinet is.
- “Mr. Flame, what is your stance on education?” “FUCK SCHOOL.”
- A wall would be erected next to the Vietnam Memorial. One engraved brick would be placed for each fallen member of the Brick Squad.
- The Washington Monument would be painted black.
- Atlanta would become the new national capital and be renamed “Blatlanta.”
- “Mr. Flame, what will be your foreign policy in regards to the rising tension in the Middle East?” “BOW! BOW! BOW!”
- The Treasury would be ordered to “Allow for the refinancing of private mortgages and create government funded innovation prizes that encourage technological advancement. Also, WAKA.”
- Gucci Mayne would be named Vice President and be tasked with rolling blunts all day long. Vice President Mayne would then complain that he does far more work than Biden ever did. He would be right.
- The dance floor of the annual White House Ball would be out of control. A disgruntled Representative Boehner would walk around with a ruler fighting to keep senators’ pelvic regions at least 4 inches apart. He would start to cry.
- The only thing higher than the president would be his welfare budget. A large portion of national funds would also be reserved for “Mama.”
- His acceptance speech would go like this: “Waka.” *steps away from podium*
- All paper money would be reprinted with his face on it.
- The “Secret Service” would be renamed “SQUAAAD.”
- War would be declared on the haters.
- 4/20 would be made a national holiday.
- CNN would inevitably publish the headline, “President Flame to Vladimir Putin: ‘U A Lame.’”
- Kennedy’s longstanding hooker record would be shattered. Same with Clinton’s coke record.
- Instead of ranging from “Low” to “Severe,” the Homeland Security Terrorism Advisory System will read, in ascending order, “Chill” “Lurkin’” “Flexxin’” “Get Yo Gat” “Off Da Chain.”
- TSA Agents would be replaced with “Down shorties.”
- All bills would be signed with an “X.”
Waka flocka flame approves of this message.