25 Best Columns From TFM In 2014

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25 Best Columns From TFM In 2014

Bringing you the 25 best TFM columns of the year.

25. Why The SEC Is Bullshit

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The SEC is almost like a commune in the way that it mutually weakens itself in order to raise up the whole. (That’s right, SEC fans. I just compared your conference to a hippie, communist retreat.)

24. Let’s Discuss The Blonde In The Wolf of Wall Street

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Her real name is Margot Robbie. She’s 23 years old and she’s from Australia. Another interesting fact about her is she’s fine as fuck and has a major league set of perky cutters. And she’s got the sex appeal to match.

23. 20 Reasons Why Ladies Love The Gut, By A Real, Live Lady

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The gut says American beer. The abs say Bacardi and diet. Which date sounds more fun?

22. The 5 Sororities With The Hottest Alumnae

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There must be something in the water at the University of Florida’s Zeta chapter that breeds gorgeous, blonde sportscasters.

21. I Fell In Love With This Girl From The University Of Georgia, And So Will You

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It turns out her name is Lane Lindell and she’s a model, like a real model, not that anyone would be surprised by that.

20. The Greatest Email We’ve Ever Received Is From A Job Applicant Who Brutally Insulted Our Entire Staff

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Instead of simply explaining how he’d be a valuable asset to Grandex, he typed 1,300 words of devastating insults for nearly our entire staff.

19. How To Actually Get Butt Stuff, From A Girl’s Perspective

How to Actually Get Butt Stuff From a Female Perspective

Here it is, guys: how to actually get butt stuff.

18. 41 Things I Wish I Had Known As A Freshman

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“I swear I’m on birth control” is the most dangerous phrase in the American lexicon. If she’s a random, wrap it up just in case.

17. 19 Ways To Fuck With Your Ex-Girlfriend’s New Boyfriend

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Give her a good ass slap in front of him and exclaim, “Not as tight as I remember.”

16. Have A Dad Body? Don’t Change A Thing

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Freshman girls like your dad body because they think you’re a mature, grown man who will make their high school boyfriends jealous.

15. The 7-Step Process To Escaping The Friend Zone

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I’m going to help him fix this situation. After he follows my 7-step, foolproof process, one of two things will happen: 1) he’ll leave the friend zone and enter the sex zone, or 2) it will absolutely destroy their friendship. Both options are advantageous for him.

14. The Four Hottest Drinks A Girl Can Order At The Bar

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If she happens to ask you for one of the following drinks, then I can almost guarantee that you’ve found yourself a keeper.

13. When Did Girls Start Wearing These Hybrid Thong Bikini Bottoms?

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They’re clearly not the standard bikini bottom of old–the kind that covers the majority of your ass cheeks and you can comfortably wear around Dad.

12. 8 Under-Appreciated College Campuses You Have To Check Out

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A trip to Fort Worth probably means getting hammered and going to a concert at Billy Bob’s, too. You just can’t go wrong with TCU.

11. Diary Of A Father Whose Daughter Is In PCB For Spring Break

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Chels is going to Panama City Beach, Florida. Sounds like fun. I hope the weather is nice!

10. Why Doggy Style Is The King Of Sex Positions

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This position is a jack of all trades. It can literally be executed anywhere you can fit two people.

9. 53 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About You

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Preston: His family is from the northeast. Has never seen a black person in real life.

8. An Interview With Carter Cruise, Sorority Girl Turned Porn Star

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I have yet to come across a dick that I couldn’t take.

7. 13 Reasons Why Jay Cutler Is The Frattest Quarterback In The NFL

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I propose to once and for all settle the debate of who is the frattest quarterback in the NFL. My choice: Jay Cutler from Santa Claus, Indiana.

6. The 25 Hottest Girl Names (And What They Say About Each Girl)

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Kelly: Fun-loving and wild, Kelly has made more than her share of mistakes. Beware of a potential 12-stepper.

5. 38 Reasons Every Guy Should Date A Sorority Girl

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She’ll help you fool your parents into thinking that you’re a functioning member of society.

4. Interview With Playboy Poker Player Dan Bilzerian, Whose Instagram Will Make You Hate Your Pathetic Life

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What he does off the screen and away from the poker table have been making waves as tall as his stack of chips. And he has a beard that just won’t fucking quit.

3. 2014 Wife Mock Draft

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If you can look past her personal opinions on government, she’s going to be a tremendous pick. She’s going to be a generous, giving wife on and off the field, if you get what I mean.

2. Why Guys Should Not Be Required To Go Down On Girls

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No man should have society dictate to him that he is required to shuck oysters in order to be sexually competent.

1. Why Every Girl Should Give Blow Jobs, From A Girl’s Perspective

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He’ll be much more likely to get down on one knee if he knows you’re willing to get down on two.

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