25 Signs Your Drinking Problem Is Out Of Control

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While most of us flirt with assorted addictions during the trials and tribulations of parent-funded undergrad, here are 25 signs your vice has become rehab worthy.

  1. A pain in your lower abdomen prompts a Web MD symptom checker search resulting in “psoriasis of the liver.”

  2. Your stomach has expanded to the extent where your mother suggests “it might be your thyroid.”
  3. You’ve woken up with a consistent feeling of instant regret chased with physical illness at the site of your last several one night stands.
  4. Your GPA would make a realistic and respectable batting average.
  5. You’ve spent more time naked in a steam room than John Travolta.
  6. You have repeatedly suggested party themes and hazing techniques that would undoubtedly result in your expulsion and the suspension of your chapter.
  7. You become enraged at the rejection of the aforementioned techniques.
  8. You’re considering a trial pack of Cialis after another bout with erectile disfunction.
  9. You extensively research if said Cialis can be mixed with cocaine.
  10. The last entry into your contacts is succinctly named “Need to titty fuck.”
  11. “Need to titty fuck” has not responded to your repeated incoherent messages.
  12. A brother has attempted to ask if you are depressed and need someone to talk to. You tell him things are great, you already have a therapist.
  13. Your therapist’s name is Jack Daniels.
  14. He learned the trade from your previous doctor: Jim Beam.
  15. You’ve inadvertently fucked more fat chicks than diabetes.
  16. Your ex has had more DJs inside her than Coachella.
  17. You’ve accidentally poked the wrong hole on more than one occasion, with varying degrees of success.
  18. You wake up to an unexpected mess, the cause of which you startlingly realize.
  19. Don’t care, had sex.
  20. You watched the debate Monday night and feel comfortable with both candidates.
  21. You’re considering your own write-in candidate: Cunt Sundae.
  22. Your load sprinkles out as if the tip of your dick is a Tabasco bottle. Drink some fucking water.
  23. Tim Tebow hitting a home run off his first career plate appearance has you legitimately wondering if he is Jesus Christ.
  24. Twenty One Pilots “are actually not that bad, bro.”
  25. You’re 23 and writing anonymous internet columns likening cumshots to the dispensing of condiments.


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