25 Things I’m Thankful For This Thanksgiving

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Nice Move


1. Free internet porn
(And moisturizer).

2. Boating shoes
The perfect foot attire for anything. Except boating (seriously, no traction whatsoever).

3. Stuffing
Gotta love that sweet, delicious butt bread.

4. Positive people
And negative STD tests.

5. Cocaine
She don’t lie.

6. The Fappening
For showing us what our favorite celebs’ nipples look like while teaching us a valuable lesson in cloud-based security.

7. A lack of evidence to support the allegations
Thanks, Kevin’s dad!

8. Yoga being considered “cultural appropriation” but the pants being a-ok
Boyfriends who have been dragged to class for months — rejoice!

9. Plan B
For all the times it either broke or your pull-out game was weak.

10. Polo shirts
Always manages to make me look in-shape, fit even, until she unbuttons it (but let’s be real, she’s not gonna stop at that point).

11. The Louis C.K. Pandora station
The only comic who can joke about murdering his own children and make you laugh your ass off.

12. South Park
For going where every other TV comedy is afraid to.

13. Tailgating
For picking me up when my team lets me down.

14. Girls who shake when they cum
Is there anything more rewarding?

15. Croakies
Saving more shade than any tree-hugger.

16. A perfect waist to ass ratio
“Your body is like an hourglass, and I just wanna play in the sand.”

17. Thong Bikini Bottoms
Need I say more?

18. Beer Pong
Dude, bows.

19. Breakfast food
Especially chicken and waffles.

20. First-person shooters
If only my controller had unlimited lives.

21. Fantasy Football
And Lamar Miller – the sleeper hit of 2015.

22. Girls with country accents
My heart melts faster than the butter they put on everything.

23. Bourbon and coke
Simply perfect.

24. The freedom and opportunity afforded to me as an American
Not to be confused with “privilege.”

25. The troops
For doing it so I don’t have to.

Image via Shutterstock


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