26 Things Bill Simmons Also Probably Believes

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Bill Simmons sure does believe a lot of things. If you don’t believe me, just fire up your HBO GO account, click on any content and wait for an ad to load. 95 percent chance it’s going to be this one:

Ah, yes. All of the controversial, polarizing things Bill Simmons believes, like soup being “the perfect food” or Kanye being “a genius.” Really deep stuff. You have to wonder what shocking takes Bill has that didn’t make the promo cut. Well, I’ve decided to take a stab at what they might be:

  1. “I believe that Lincoln Logs are the perfect toy.”
  2. “I believe that the iPhone would be just a little bit better as a two-way radio.”
  3. “I believe that plants are racist organisms.”
  4. “I believe gas station hot dogs are better than ballpark franks.”
  5. “I believe Twitter is the email of the future.”
  6. “I believe Gary, Ind., would be a destination town if it was named Scott.”
  7. “I believe anyone over 35 has raped at least five people.”
  8. “I believe Islam is the perfect religion.”
  9. “I believe black bears are the most sensitive mammals.”
  10. “I believe Boston is where Jesus was born.”
  11. “I believe Google Plus is the perfect social network.”
  12. “I believe airplanes shouldn’t have seats and everyone should sit on the ground.”
  13. “I believe every president has sent a nude from the oval office.”
  14. “I believe Saudi Arabia funded and protected 9/11 terrorists.”
  15. “I believe the Sega Dreamcast is the best console gaming system ever invented.”
  16. “I believe Syria is less stable today than it was yesterday.”
  17. “I believe Microsoft peaked with Windows 98.”
  18. “I believe crocs are the perfect shoe.”
  19. “I believe Tommy Bahama makes the best quarter-zip fleece.”
  20. “I believe jam bands are the best genre of music.”
  21. “I believe the Confederate flag is more aesthetically pleasing than the American flag.”
  22. “I believe that Cheese Nips are better than Cheez-its.”
  23. “I believe Magic Johnson used AIDS to duck the Jordan Bulls.”
  24. “I believe the world will end in 2032.”
  25. “I believe golf should adopt the 4-point line.”
  26. “I believe I’m a genius. And that’s the world’s problem. Not mine.”

“Do you really want to know what I believe?”

Eh, not particularly, Bill. But I guess I’ll watch your dumb show anyway, even though you hate good things like college sports and love bad things like Boston sports.

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