27 Ways To Cope With A Completely Hopeless Football Season

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  1. It doesn’t matter if your rival is playing San Diego Bumfuck University for the Blind and the Deaf this week–you’re going to cheer for them with all of your heart.
  2. Create a dynasty in NCAA Football 2005 on your PS2, play on the easiest difficulty, and win nine consecutive championships.
  3. Black out before every game to ensure you won’t remember the frustration.
  4. Terrify opposing fans’ children every chance you get. That way, at least someone in the stadium will actually be afraid of your team.
  5. Sneak as much booze as possible into the stadium. Worst case scenario, you get an excuse to miss the game if you get kicked out.
  6. Say, “there’s always next year,” while secretly praying for a devastating apocalypse to ensure that you never have to live through another season like this one.
  7. Completely forget the fact that ESPN exists.
  8. Insist that if you hadn’t torn your ACL senior year, you’d have totally started this year and that things would be a lot different.
  9. Create a Facebook group dedicated to firing your current coach.
  10. End every sports-related argument with, “it’s okay, we’re a basketball school,” even if that isn’t the case.
  11. Impress girls by telling them you’ve been offered a walk-on spot as the starting quarterback due to your intramural performance.
  12. Invite the football team to every Friday night party. It’s not like a hangover could make them any worse.
  13. Even if it was more than 20 years ago, always make a point to mention your team’s last successful season.
  14. Brag about your school’s superior academic standards, even though literally no one gives a shit.
  15. Create a change.org petition begging Obama to bench your pathetic starting quarterback.
  16. Blame the band.
  17. Blame the cheerleaders.
  18. Blame your starting quarterback’s mother for bringing such evil into the world.
  19. Lock yourself in your room on game day, because nobody likes seeing a grown man cry.
  20. Treat every minor win like a Super Bowl victory. Burning couches is encouraged.
  21. Brag about how good your women’s volleyball team is this season.
  22. Thoroughly research if there’s any possibility that your five-star 2017 commit could start playing a few years early.
  23. Focus all of your social media attention on how well your best alumnus performs every week in the NFL.
  24. Create sarcastic Heisman trophy campaigns for your most aggravating player.
  25. Play Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” on repeat at every tailgate, and let the haters hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
  26. Leave every game before you get a chance to sober up.
  27. Always remember: it isn’t alcoholism if your team is under .500.

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