Everybody is convinced their Greek life is THE Greek life. We have the hottest girls, the best parties, shit, we even do the most philanthropy. Being Greek at our school is like winning the lottery, except you’re paid in effortless pussy unimaginably too hot for you and friendships you’ll have for life.
But this can’t be the case, right? Somebody, somewhere, has no idea (or is purposely ignorant) that his or her school just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe they’re late career Kobe Bryant, a Greek system living more off of past laurels than present reality. Maybe, like the first time meeting an Instagram model without a filter and “editing,” its morning face is more Amy Schumer than Jessica Alba (2007 version, of course).
But no matter the reason why, today I will try to objectively dispel the long-perpetuated myths that are the three most overrated Greek systems in America today.
Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this column are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Total Frat Move.
3. University of Michigan
While this one doesn’t have quite the hype the rest of the list enjoys, the fact it isn’t considered one of the absolute worst Greek systems of any major school is like calling Bernie Sanders a defender of the Constitution. It’s just wrong.
U of M is a football powerhouse (kind of – thanks, Jim Harbaugh) and one of the best academic institutions in the country, but the accolades stop there. Featuring some of the most unattractive women in the already largely barren midwest, Michigan is overrun with transplanted New Yorkers sporting Uggs, leggings, and the sort of attitude that brings to mind a certain derogatory word previously reserved for the Japanese.
But I digress. Ann Arbor is a nice city, chock-full of liberals to an extent I previously thought impossible, but worth checking out a game for a weekend. What you won’t find, however, is a pregame resembling anything you’ve experienced at your own school. And not in a good way.
Usually held at SAE, home of the Mud Bowl, for ladies, the question will be how much jungle juice does it take to find 5’4” balding millennials screaming about their familial, and often times not all that considerable, wealth, attractive. For guys, the Michigan v. MSU calculator (add 3 points to any MSU female to find her 1-10 rating as a Michigan student) is very real.
With an administration largely in opposition to Greek life, sexual assault allegations leading one fraternity to be known as “Shady Pi” and the average sorority girl less attractive than your left hand, the University of Michigan Greek system is much more Brady Hoke than Jim Harbaugh.
At least Ann Arbor features some of the most relaxed ID checking and marijuana laws in the country.
2. University of Miami (FL)
Living in South Florida, especially while most of us experience winter, is like pizza: No matter what, it’s pretty much alright. But “The U,” which is not actually in Miami but a shithole known as Coral Gables is a bigger waste of an opportunity than Johnny Manziel’s career.
First of all, anybody who tells you “Coral Gables and Miami are like exactly the same” is a fucking liar. Nestled nicely in between areas of south Florida that will leave you asking “where the fuck am I?” and “are the doors locked?” Miami will catfish you with recruitment pamphlets and videos showing the incredibly small amount of the campus actually located where you think it is.
From a Greek perspective, this is a mess. From my experience, most Greek housing and parties are confined to dilapidated apartments while the majority of good looking people make their way into the city. While going out in one of the wildest cities on Earth is not a bad thing, each bar almost universally scans IDs. In other words, until you’re a junior or senior, unless you have an incredible fake, you’re basically fucked.
If that wasn’t enough of an issue, realize the attractive girls at Miami are probably on a boat with a C-list rapper or used to blow Norris Cole or something. Point being, the sorts of Instagram models that make us think “wow, the girls at U of M are great” aren’t really there. Maybe they take classes. I don’t know — I’m not the fucking registrar, but I can tell you the first time you end up with your girlfriend on a boat praying the Rick Ross lookalike eying you doesn’t tie you to the anchor, you’ll know what I mean.
Aside from that, for me at least, football and athletics (more importantly, the pre-games they incite) are one of the best aspects of Greek culture. Waking up at 6 a.m. for socially acceptable drinking, raging and hopefully snagging nut (Jesus I hate that phrase) before kickoff, then stumbling your way in for the second half. Not so much at Miami, where your stadium is about as near campus as FSU’s.
Look, I fully admit going to The U is a great time, I’ve spent a hell of a lot more nights there than I probably should have, but a school with that much talent, in that location? Should be a hell of a lot better.
First of all, the fact only 10k kids go there and a third want to be Greek is a very bad thing. Essentially, everybody who wants in a fraternity gets in one, making the “Tier 1” a collection of goobers resigned to the Frank Reynolds role of “moving in for scraps” at most of our schools, and not closing often.
The “top” fraternities, which I guess would include FIJI and Pike (which tells you a lot already), have shithole houses making rival chapters at far less heralded schools like Indiana-Bloomington look like Taj Mahals. In these tiny dwellings, shockingly old and dilapidated for a school constantly trumping its own supposed wealth, actual parties are largely outlawed by the administration, making a typical weekend a bunch of dudes and 10 or so girls waiting to go to a local bar.
Speaking of local bars, Dallas is a hell of a city, which makes SMU Greek destinations like Avenue even more pathetic. Avenue, where Greek life gets “bottle service” on a two-foot platform resembling a little tykes picnic set, is the sort of place you look at for formal and say, “Wow, I thought that would’ve been way nicer.”
After your wild evening standing around Avenue, look forward to the epic “Boulevard” for game day. While this is something SMU actually boasts about, for those of us who went or are attending a school relevant since the Reagan administration, standing around in 100 degree heat in a seersucker suit with a shit load of parents, waiting for our 1-11 squad to take the field (and never actually having reason to go) is not exactly the raucous pregame festivities you’re used to.
Now, to be fair, I had two cousins go to SMU and both did enjoy it (though I contend they didn’t know any better), but for this collection of perhaps the least exclusive Greek selection process in the country, with terrible houses, no real parties, below average bars, and a goober rating shockingly high in comparison to its academic quality (at least UCLA has a good excuse that it’s not fun: everyone is studying) mentioning the Mustangs in the same breath as the Alabama, USC, USCe, Penn State, UT (Texas, but Tennessee I guess is applicable too) of the world, is like claiming we compare well to Mark.
A final public service announcement: Girls at SMU, for the most part at least, are looking to find husbands. Wrangle the wrong “pony” (their slogan is legitimately “pony up” – I’m serious.) and you have a stage 5 clinger on your hands unlike any you’ve ever experienced. Trust me..