1. Making small talk with someone you used to have sex with.
Oh, hey there. How are things?
2. Being nice to the new brothers who you were ruthlessly hazing a week ago.
Dude, you don’t have to call me ‘Sir’ anymore.
3. Drunk Ex Text Messaging.
do yuo missz me? cum over
4. Showing up to class after an “extended hiatus.”
So…what chapter are we on again?
5. Hiding all of the illegal stuff in the fraternity house before Family Weekend.
I don’t care where you put your six-foot bong, just get it out of my room before my Mom gets here.
6. When someone brings their little sister to a party.
Please Jesus, let her be 18.
7. When an ugly person tries to make out with you.
She looked at me like I was a Twinkie.
8. When you play beer pong with a girl, and she doesn’t make a single shot.
Great shot, but we’re playing on this table, not the one over there.
9. Accidental anal (it happens).
10. The 8-20 seconds after a shot where you determine if you’re going to have to throw up.
Keep it down, keep it down, keep it down. Flex thigh muscle, swallow seven times, and count backwards from 20. We’re good.
11. Figuring out who is sleeping next to you.
Maybe I should try to find her ID?
12. Dropping a girl off after a one-night stand.
Um…talk to you later?
13. Your first strip club lapdance.
I don’t know what to do with my hands.
14. Dealing with a girl who “doesn’t give head.”
What are we, 11?
15. Realizing a test is a week earlier than you thought.
We drop our lowest test score in this class, right?
16. Forgetting girls’ names, or only knowing a girl by their nickname (MegaTits, Loft Monkey, etc).
17. The night after a football loss.
Nah man, I don’t want to go out. I’ll probably just end up stabbing someone.
18. When one of your brothers has a really hot mom.
Man, your mom has aged really well. Like a fine wine that I want to put my dick inside of.
19. When a girl you met on Spring Break adds you on Facebook.
I could have sworn I gave her a fake name.
20. Rush. All of it.
So what’s your major? What dorm do you live in? How do you feel about basements and vomit?
21. Needing to take a dump while you’re at the bar.
Feels like the turtle is about to come out of its shell. Might be time to leave.
22. When the bar plays “Call Me Maybe.”
Who let Bacon in this bar?
23. When a professor calls you out for showing up late and hungover to class.
I was going to pay attention, but after a comment like that I respectfully refuse to stay awake for this double-block.
24. Trying to pass by a fat person in a crowded bar.
Look man, you have to move at least a little bit. You’re like a really smelly blimp in a tiny hallway.
25. When you’re underage and the cops walk through the bar.
Why, yes sir, of course I’m 21. Why do you ask?
26. The drunk condom decision.
She’s probably clean, right?
27. The “Facebook Official” talk in a relationship.
So…you want every one of our friends to know the exact instant we break up. That’s a priority, eh?
28. When another chapter visits, and they’re all a bunch of losers.
So great to meet you guys. Having a 20-man house sounds awesome.
29. Hanging out with your friends from high school who never left town.
We can drink, but only in your parent’s basement?
I can’t get pants shittingly wasted on a Tuesday afternoon anymore? Shit.