30 Reasons Not to Hookup With a Freshman

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Nice Move

1. She still thinks a half-hearted handjob is an acceptable way to end a hot and heavy night.
So we’re done now…right?

2. She’s drunk enough that it could be considered statutory.
I wannnnaaaaaaa fuck so baaaaaaaad.

3. Her 18th birthday hasn’t come yet.
It’s only in a month, don’t worry!

4. There’s a possibility she’ll vomit mid-blowjob.
Ohmigod I’m so sorry…do you want a towel?

5. She wants to take you back to her temporary-triple dorm room.
Don’t worry, I think my two Vietnamese roomates are out.

6. She’s already slept with three of your brothers in the first week of classes.
I just like to have fun, that’s all.

7. She drunk dials her dad and asks for permission.
Is it okay? He reminds me of you so much!

8. Her morbidly obese suitemate cockblocks.
I’m not letting you take advantage of my BFFL.

9. Older girls are infinitely better in the bedroom.
Wait…we can do it with me on top too?

10. They’re probably not on birth control.
What do you think I am, a slut or something?

11. You will almost certainly need to use a condom.
Do you…have something?

12. She might be a virgin. Despite popular belief, the cons of virgins far outweigh the pros.
We’re going to be together forever.

13. If she’s an extremely easy freshman, she probably has chlamydia.
My daddy got me these fake boobs so everyone would love me.

14. She won’t understand when you reference a 90’s television show.
What the fuck do you mean “Shrine of the Silver Monkey?”

15. You can’t tell her to meet you somewhere, because she doesn’t know where anything is.
Wait, what bar is that again?

16. She gives head using more teeth than a tiger shark.
None of the guys in highschool ever asked me to stop…

17. She’s still a GDI before recruitment.
I can’t wait to rush and make the best friends of my life!

18. She’ll think you’re her boyfriend afterwards.
Call you tomorrow, sweetie.

19. She’ll text you “Good Morning” every day from then on.
Good morning hottie. I miss you so much.

20. She’s already did the nasty with the star runningback recruit.
He might go pro, how am I gonna pass that up?

21. She gets drunk and talks about highschool memories for hours on end.
I’m just saying, no night could ever top my Senior Prom.

22. She cries in her sleep because she misses her mother.
*sniff* I…miss…you….mommy. *sniff*

23. She only wants to talk to you about which sorority she should join.
Like, I totally see myself as a Zeta but these DG’s keep talking to me, but I’m a legacy at Theta. Which one is your favorite?

24. She’ll be afraid she’s pregnant the next day even if you only made out.
How do you buy Plan B?

25. You might get yelled at by her RA.
Excuse me sir, this floor has not voted on co-ed 24 hour visitation yet, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

26. Your sexual activity is interrupted by her Miley Cyrus ringtone.

27. Her older brother is in your fraternity.
Don’t worry, nobody will ever have to know.

28. She travels in a group with her entire floor.
We just moved in, so we all promised we’d stick together tonight.

29. She wants you to help her move her furniture the next day.
I just need to get this couch upstairs real quick, you don’t mind right?

30. She’ll try to play Carly Rae Jepsen in the bedroom.
Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But turn this song off. I’m leaving.

Email this to a friend

Nice Move


StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co

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  1. 4

    Just use a google voice number the first few weeks of school and don’t let her know what room is yours…

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0

    31. She actually WANTS to go to the GDI winter formal your school puts on, because she thinks it’ll be fun. Even worse, she’ll ask you to take her. Sober.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 2

      TKEistheBest, I want to thank you. If it weren’t for you, the funny posts surrounding yours wouldn’t be as funny. You’re the ugly girl a slam likes to hang out with so she looks hotter.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1

      ^ Sorry. Taking my laps. The sheer ridiculousness that is the existence of try-hards like him makes me ashamed that of the 20 something IFCs on my campus, TKE is one of them.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0

      And unless you are NOT a gentleman (and ergo should not be in a fraternity), you take her. Its her first year of college, and she’s been dying to have these experiences. Have a little bit of a heart “Bro”.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0

      ^^^^^ Accepting the fact that my username on this site is androgynous, I understand why you would feel it appropriate to call me “Bro”. For the record, I’m not a/your bro. Nothing good has ever come from a college dance accept for public displays of drunken, regretable “bi-curiosity” and quicker pledge shuttles for girls who want to go to fraternity houses.

      Did you read the title of this column? “30 Reasons Not to Hookup With a Freshman” I don’t see the words/phrases “date”, “ask out”, “lavalier”, or “marry” anywhere in that title. I’ve also never heard that “hookups” imply any sort of romantic relationship or gesture afterwards. If both parties really cared, it wouldn’t be a hookup, it would be a relationship. So stop trying to preach to everyone about gentleman-like qualities when you don’t even understand the full scope of the discussion.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1

      ^^ Other than the “accept” instead of “except” error (college dance “except”) I’d say, “boom goes the dynamite”.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 0

    motion approved, considering the majority of Greeks hold the same attitude towards said (and yes this deserves quotes) “fraternity”

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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