30 Thoughts You Have While Competing In A Case Race

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Nice Move

TFM Case Race

There comes a time in every self-respecting drinking man’s life when he must prove his worth. If you haven’t been challenged to a case race yet, you’re missing out. If you have, you will completely understand the excitement and disappointment that occurs during such a beautiful experience. To a less than athletic man such as myself, a case race is the perfect competition. The goal is simple: finish a 30-pack of beer as quickly as possible. A case race more often than not is comprised of multiple teams allowing the load to be split among many stomachs, but in my situation I stood alone. One man. Thirty beers. Many doubters.

  1. I can’t believe they’re telling me I can’t finish. Of course I can.
  2. Foam is the enemy. I want the stuff, not the fluff.
  3. I’ll chug a few really quickly and then I can sip the rest, right?
  4. Why waste time swallowing when I can force the nectar of the gods straight into my stomach with a beer bong? This is a sprint, not a marathon. Well, it is a marathon, but the people who always win marathons run super fast at first. Right? Fuck it.
  5. Ten beers in. Wow, this is easy. Why don’t I do this every night?
  6. My stomach’s pretty full — gotta keep pace, though.
  7. First of many bathroom breaks. Fortunately, aim is still on point and the toilet is visible.
  8. It’s probably time to take off my shirt.
  9. Of course you can write tallies on my chest with a Sharpie. Permanent marker isn’t even that hard to wash off.
  10. I’m getting pretty drunk, so let me take a few laps around the house, digest a bit, and then get back to it.
  11. Fifteen down. Halfway there. The worst part is totally behind me.
  12. These pants are constricting. I would be much more efficient without them. They’re comin’ off.
  13. No, I cannot drink to this terrible pop music. I want ’80s and I want it now.
  14. Bathroom break. Aim has been compromised, but at least I made it to the bathroom.
  15. If George W. Bush were here, what would he do? He’d finish this thirty, that’s for damn sure.
  16. I could really go for a taco right now. “Let’s go to Taco Bell. I’m good to drive!”
  17. Of course I can do more pushups than you. Look at me! I’m an animal.
  18. “Guys, if I pass out at any point, I need you to pour these down my throat.”
  19. I wonder if my dad ever did this when he was in college. I do get my dad body and alcohol tolerance from him, after all.
  20. Goddamn, I’m a good dancer.
  21. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone with a beer in his hand in a while. Are they still drinking?
  22. Why use the bathroom when I can pee out of this window?
  23. God bless America.
  24. Confirmed: I am the only one drinking.
  25. Twenty-five beers down — here comes the final stretch.
  26. Let me take a quick power nap, then I’ll finish. No, I’m not passing out. I’m resting my eyes.
  27. Mobility: questionable. Control of my body: very little.
  28. Puking is for pussies.
  29. I don’t care what you say, that was a very graceful nose dive. Don’t worry, I’ve broken my nose before.
  30. This is the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far. Remind me to put this on my résumé.

Despite the physical injuries, in what was quite possibly the greatest four hours of my life accomplishment-wise, I did what others told me could not be done. Sure, since that evening, several medical professionals have explained to me that I did “significant damage” to my “liver.” But, if you ask me, a few days of abdominal pain is well worth living the rest of your life in glory.

Former High School athlete with the body of a dad who thinks he's not passed his prime. My low standards are complimented nicely by my high alcohol tolerance. When not chasing after girls way out of my league you can often find me shirtless, preforming 80's hits.

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