Columns

300-Pound Jared Lorenzen Isn’t The QB The Jets Deserve, But He’s The QB They Need

Screen Shot 2015-08-12 at 12.30.16 PM copy

With Geno Smith down for the count after getting blasted in the jaw by a third-stringer, the Jets need someone to fill his shoes as starting quarterback.

Side note: Kinda fucked up I.K. got the axe. Geno bailed on his charity event and refused to pay him back for the $600 plane ticket. I know Geno had someone close to him die, but not showing your teammate respect – and turning your back to him when he confronts you about the money – is a shitty way to lead as a franchise quarterback. Also, look at this Instagram picture he posted right after the incident:


ILL BE BACK!

A photo posted by Geno Smith III (@genosmith7) on

Any man who takes a pouty-faced selfie to express his rage deserves to be cold cocked.

Either way, the already weak-as-shit NFL starting QB lineup just got a little weaker, and Bowles is probably going to throw in Ryan Fitzpatrick as a replacement. He shouldn’t.

There is a far more qualified man who offered to lend his services to the reeling Jets offense. He’s got a 2008 Super Bowl ring from playing back-up to Eli Manning (doesn’t matter that he didn’t take a single snap), an unwavering air of confidence, and 320 pounds of pure hustle. They call him the Hefty Lefty. J-load. The Pillsbury Throwboy. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you JARED LOOOREENZENNN.


The dude is the stuff of football folklore. Look at homeboy go:

He can block downfield, too:

It’s like watching a Madden Create-A-Player in action. You know, the one you made fast as hell and then dragged the weight and belly size cursors as far right as they’d go?

After his NFL career, Lorenzen took up a gig as General Manager for the Northern Kentucky River Monsters in the Ultimate Indoor Football League. He soon resigned to become starting quarterback, and despite weighing 320 pounds, had himself an MVP season. Has any other GM in the history of sports done something like that? Just said, “Fuck it, I’m better than these scrubs,” while watching from the box in a suit, then hanging up his tie and throwing on a helmet? That’s like a king riding into battle with his troops.

He’s funny as shit, too. Look at his hot take on the NCAA ruling to allow athletes unlimited meals per day.


Here he is asking a blonde chick for some nachos from the sidelines.


He also stood up for fellow big boy QB Jameis Winston (after throwing a well-executed and playful jab), who caught some flack earlier this year for rocking the dad bod behind the line.


From Bleacher Report:

“The kid’s incredible,” the former Giants and Colts backup said. “He’s won the Heisman, he’s won a national title; let’s lay off the kid a little bit.”

Lorenzen is also just the man the Jets need to make up for their piss-poor offensive line, which lets more through than a spare condom stashed in a Puerto Rican girl’s purse. You ain’t bringing this man down easy. Do the right thing, Bowles.

[via Bleacher Report]

Image via YouTube

Email this to a friend

Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

14 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

Latest From The TFM Store

(If you like this shirt, buy it and we'll make it.)

New Stories

Load More