33 New Year’s Resolutions For Your Chapter

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33 New Year's Resolutions For Your Chapter

It’s 2015. New year, new opportunities. Here are 33 ways you can make your fraternal experience better this year:

  1. Don’t get put on probation.
  2. Raise a veritable fuck-ton of money for your philanthropy.
  3. Don’t piss off the alumni too much.
  4. Locate and recover all stolen composites.
  5. Get a big-name band to perform at the house.
  6. Take a chapter trip to New Orleans.
  7. Get a bouncy castle for at least one event.
  8. Convince your nationals that the bouncy castle was all in good fun.
  9. Learn more about your fraternity history and ritual.
  10. Throw a formal at a great venue.
  11. Create a ridiculous, year-long intra-house competition.
  12. Find out exactly how many beers are consumed in the house during the academic year.
  13. Visit your Alpha chapter.
  14. Find an awesome local community service opportunity and contribute.
  15. Throw a Hawaiian Shirts and Hula Skirts mixer.
  16. Have the pledges dig a moat around the house. Look into getting alligators for said moat.
  17. Take out a cargo shorts awareness ad in the school paper.
  18. Take home an intramural championship trophy — whether you win it or not.
  19. Build something obnoxiously large and put it in your front yard.
  20. Enroll your chapter’s most disgusting brother in your school’s Mr. Greek contest without his knowledge.
  21. Ensure your tailgates are the best on game day.
  22. Find out which professors on campus are alumni of your national fraternity.
  23. Have a [Your Fraternity] Versus Campus PD philanthropy softball game. It’s great PR.
  24. Throw a toga party.
  25. Volunteer to help a veterans’ organization.
  26. End your rivalry with another fraternity by thoroughly defeating it.
  27. Make an appearance at Greek Week.
  28. Throw the kind of parties that will make people regret not pledging.
  29. Find a local band that becomes your chapter’s Otis Day and the Knights.
  30. Throw a huge party that is also philanthropic in nature. It’s a win-win.
  31. Refer to all fifth year brothers as “Old Man ____.”
  32. Don’t get kicked off campus.
  33. Blame the pledges for all resolutions that aren’t met.
BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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