35 First Date Tips Every Guy Needs To Know

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So you’re about to go on a date with a lady you’ve got a schoolboy crush on (by that, I mean you’re crushing on her like back when you were a schoolboy; I hope YOU don’t actually have a crush on a schoolboy. I’m lookin’ at you, Jared Fogle).

But maybe you’re nervous. You’re thinking, How should I dress?,” “Where should I take her?,” “Should I shave both my nuts or just the left nut?” Well, I got you covered, Barack Brobama. I have your back. I’ll walk you through it step by step and give you some friendly advice. I’m here to help. I’m kinda like Dr. Phil (actually, I’m JUST like Dr. Phil, because neither of us are real doctors).

Here are some first date tips.

  1. Take her somewhere that isn’t a dump, but don’t go out of your budget and waste all your money to take some random chick to eat spaghetti at a fancy Italian place just because you wanna squirt your squirt gun into her hairy cave. Not worth the dollars and cents, sir. You need that extra money for Curb Your Enthusiasm box sets, transvestite hookers, and strawberry Pop-Tarts.

  2. Don’t take her to Chuck E. Cheese’s, though. It’s creepy, and parents will stare at you. Plus, Chuck has a huge ego now and he’ll probably try to fuck the chick.
  3. If you take her to see a movie, see a horror movie. She’ll get scared and you can hold her and seem like a brave man (even though you’re a pussy who still sprints upstairs after he turns the basement light off).
  4. A Pixar movie would work too. Pixar is basically perfect. They got a bunch of Greek gods and Einstein clones on the payroll writing those flicks. The only downside is all the annoying children in the theater might subconsciously make her not want to have kids so she won’t wanna fuck you. So it is a gamble.
  5. Don’t take her to a Pauly Shore movie.
  6. Don’t take yourself to a Pauly Shore movie either, though.
  7. Wait, Pauly Shore hasn’t made any movies since the ’90s. So basically don’t build a time machine and go back to the 90s to see Bio-Dome, please.
  8. If you DO build a time machine, though, go back in time to stop Hitler’s parents from fucking. Make yourself useful.
  9. Don’t take her to a concert. She’s gonna wanna fuck the musician, even if it’s a female musician.
  10. If she DOES fuck the female musician though, film it and send it to me.
  11. Wear nice clothes.
  12. Wear no clothes.
  13. Wear nice no clothes.
  14. Don’t try to understand that last tip; I don’t get it either.
  15. Take her to a water fountain if you wanna save money. A vending machine if you just got your paycheck and you wanna splurge.
  16. BRING A CONDOM. Not for sex, just in case you need to put a pool ball in it and beat up someone who tries to rob you.
  17. Make sure you smell nice. No lady wants to fuck a fella that smells like sweat, bologna, pigeon poop, and jizz-stained pumping socks.
  18. Make sure she’s not a werewolf.
  19. Make sure she’s not a Russian CIA agent.
  20. Make sure she’s not a werewolf CIA agent.
  21. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
  22. Don’t pick her up on your unicycle. I know you think it makes you look like a baller, but it doesn’t. Plus, if you keep falling off, you’re eventually gonna break your back and paralyze yourself and then you’ll never able to jerk off again. You’re gonna need your buddy Brian to help you jerk off. Again.
  23. Don’t take her to the park. Picnics suck. Bugs keep crawling on you and fucking on top of your pre-made sandwiches. Plus, Yogi Bear loves picnic baskets, and you don’t wanna be like Yogi Bear. That guy is a piece of shit.
  24. DEFINITELY make sure she’s not a Trump supporter.
  25. Take her out for drinks, but make sure she doesn’t get TOO drunk. Drunk girls are annoying AF. They laugh at unfunny things (like this article) and puke all over the place. Yikes.
  26. After the date, try to kiss her goodnight, but only if she’s not Italian. Because Italian girls have mustaches, and that’s just disgusting.
  27. If you guys end up having sex, think about Lil Wayne’s rock album to keep yourself from cumming too quick.
  28. If you have sex, make sure you don’t aim at her her dog when you pull out. Dogs take jizz in the face as a threat. They’ll attack you like Cujo.
  29. Read Cujo. It’s a good book, some of Stephens King’s best work.
  30. Only come into her house if she explicitly invites you. Much like a vampire.
  31. Don’t actually be a vampire, though. Unless you’re a Twilight vampire; girls love that shit.
  32. Jack off beforehand. I go into more detail on that here.
  33. Pay for everything.
  34. Hold doors for her. Be a gentlemen or whatever.
  35. Don’t be Wally Bryton.

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