It’s the 21st century, and if you aren’t using some sort of smart device, then you are laughed at by the entire world. You might as well live in a third-world country, you poor. With the rise in smartphones, tablets, watches, dicks, etc., came the rise in senseless applications that provide little no real value to us in college. Luckily, I’ve got the mind of a mad scientist and business ideas to throw around to make the frat life a million times better than it already is. Since the TFM app already exists (and a major update is coming out this afternoon), I’ve got four ideas for you.
If one of you computer science nerds out there want to develop these, have at it. Just shoot me 40 percent of the app’s profits.
InstaSlam is a spinoff of Instagram — only about one hundred times better. Need a quickie? Need your laundry done? Are you hungry and need a goddamn snack? InstaSlam is there for you. Every slam will be fraternity man pre-approved to ensure that quality and quantity go hand in hand. With nothing but the push of a button, the nearest slam will arrive at your place within minutes. Their sole goal is to service you and then be on their merry way. Sorry, Jimmy Johns, but InstaSlam really is freaky fast, and freaky good in bed.
2. The Pledge Trainer
This app reminds pledges to study their pledge books and work on their calisthenics by sending a small shock through their pledge appointed Apple Watch — similar to a shock collar for training field dogs. Pledge Trainer would log how long they spend doing either, for educational and fitness purposes, of course. The Apple Watch would track the fitness, and the pledge book is incorporated into a phone app to track the pledges’ education.
Since pledges are weasels, they could just leave the app open and not study, or give the watch and their phone to their GDI buddy who spends all day at the gym. That’s why there would be random testing involved. If the pledge isn’t at a certain level based upon what the app says they should be, remedial training will be held in the basement. It’s designed for the pledges to fail 100 percent of the time.
“Standards” is the next big thing in reviewing services. Since we all have standards when it comes to our sorority women, Standards will help you whittle your prospects down to what you want. Think of that Cars.com commercial where the guy is trying to find his next car based off a bunch of different factors. You want new? Boom, your list will be short, but it’ll be tailored to your wants and needs.
Every single aspect is up for review too. Think Yelp meets LuLu meets Cars.com meets sorority girls. It’s your one-stop shop to make sure you’re getting the most bang for your buck. Figuratively speaking, of course.
4. Pledge Hub
Pledge Hub lets you know exactly where every one of your pledges are. That’s not the only feature though. In addition to the ability to pinpoint your pledges location, should you want to give him some quick teaching, you will also be able to see which pledge is located to the nearest food establishment of your choice. With an in-app ordering system, you can place an order to that restaurant, and the nearest pledge will be buzzed to pick up and deliver your order.
It will also act as an Uber-like app, should you need a ride somewhere. It is the ultimate pledge control application..