4 Hookup Apps That Don’t Exist Yet

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Nice Move

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All you perverts are making a bunch of smart, techie people truckloads of money. Everyone is trying to fuck. These guys know this. Your phones are a no-questions-asked means to ass. These guys know this, too. Hassle-free, casual hookups are all the rage right now, and app developers are capitalizing on this.

Tinder and its gay friend Grindr are in the hookup business, and business is good. Tinder markets itself as a “fun way to connect with new and interesting people around you,” but that’s only because they can’t outright say “Tinder is a fun way to fuck new and attractive people around you.” No one swipes right on perceived wife material, or because he’s looking for a new pal of the opposite sex–he’s swiping right on sex material.

That’s what all these hookup apps are about. Check out this new app called Cuddlr. It’s exactly what it sounds like. The Cuddlr app matches two people within the same vicinity of each other who are only looking to cuddle, not have sex. It’s actually marketed as a sex-free alternative. Okay. Can you imagine how awkward it would be to meet a stranger, knock out a 30-minute spoon session, then leave without having sex? Brutal. Sex makes that interaction more appropriate somehow, and less awkward. Only looking to cuddle? Okay, psycho. The app has a user rating system, too. You can choose from four different ratings after meeting your cuddle partner: “awesome,” “good,” “OK,” or “inappropriate.” This loosely translates to: “we fucked,” “we just fooled around,” “he/she didn’t make a move so it got awkward,” and finally “this weirdo seriously wanted to cuddle.”

Take whichever path you choose. Use whichever app is in. You want them all to lead to sex. There are more absurd hookup apps to come that will launch under the guise of “hanging out.” These ridiculous apps are in the works, probably:

1. Shower Buddy

Are you tired of missing those hard-to-reach places? Do you get lonely in the shower and end up talking to yourself? Let’s kill both these birds with one shower buddy. This app allows you to match with others in your area who want to shower with you. Sure, you’re both nude, but there is no sex with your shower buddy. It’s just a shower!

2. Campus Mate

I always hated walking to class alone. Do you?! Well, you shall walk alone no more! With Campus Mate, you get paired up with other would-be lonesome walkers. You meet up, you walk across campus to class, then you bid each other adieu until next time. It’s none of our business if you fuck before class or not, but we ask that you not fuck!

3. Grinder

Not to be confused with Grindr, Grinder is exactly what you think it is: an app that allows you to grind on others who aren’t interested in sex. When was the last time you were on a dance floor and a guy or girl approached you to dance? You two started grinding, didn’t you? Your grind partner wanted sex, am I right? He probably even got a little boner, huh? Did you get annoyed? Probably. The art of non-sexually grinding pelvises is a lost one, and is mostly used as public foreplay. Disgusting!

4. Masturbatr

With Masturbatr, your days of masturbating alone are no more. This newly released app allows you to match up with others in your area who are in the mood to masturbate, but, like you, don’t want to get themselves off–they would rather you, a stranger, get them off instead. Intercourse is forbidden with Masturbatr. Only mutual, cross-masturbation is permitted. Our slogan, “You do me and I’ll do you,” explains it all!

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