Columns

4 Insanely Patriotic Drinking Games For The 4th Of July

patriotic 4th of july drinking games

At the risk of beating a dead Redcoat, I must reiterate that America is the greatest country on Earth. We have the best military, the best sports teams, and only here will you find a house made up entirely of beer cans (Google it). Whenever I see Old Glory waving proudly in the sky, I’m always reminded of the influential men who shaped the very landscape of the USA: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Jack Daniels. And what better way to honor the “Home of the Brave” than an entire day devoted to grilled meats, copious amounts of booze, and pyrotechnic explosions? Here are some patriotic drinking games to help you celebrate Independence Day like a true, red-blooded American.

Declaration Of Independence Cup

For this variation of flip cup, each player must wear a wig to resemble one of our nation’s great Founding Fathers. Normal flip cup rules apply except as each person successfully flips their cup, they must sign a mock printout of the Declaration of Independence before the next person on their team can drink. The first team to get five signatures wins. You know what the best part of this game is? In reality, everyone wins. Freedom is for everyone.

Paul Revere Beer Relays

Though it’s highly unlikely Paul Revere was gettin’ hammered at a local tavern when he caught news of those damn Redcoats, I’ll just assume that’s how the story went down. In this game, two teams compete against each other via relay race. Each player must shotgun a beer then ride a tricycle down the driveway and back while yelling, “The British are coming!” The first team to have all their players finish the race is the winner. Don’t be alarmed if your fellow Americans storm out of their homes carrying muskets during, though; it’s all part of the game. Trust me.

Dizzy Washington

Think of this game like Dizzy Bat, but with a presidential twist. Each player must beer bong some Bud Diesel through a baseball bat then spin around it for the same amount of time it took to chug the aforementioned brewski. Then, that person must attempt to chop down a cherry tree as quickly as possible using nothing but roundhouse kicks (note: plant a shitload of cherry trees in your backyard about four years in advance). The player who can chop down their tree in the fastest time is the winner. After a few rounds, not only will you have enough wood for a bonfire, but you’ll also want to proclaim “I cannot tell a lie… I’m pretty fucked up.”

National Anthem Keg Stands

Do you and your boys want to firmly establish who’s the most American American in the room? Try out this challenge, then: one by one, have each member of the squad propped up for a good, old-fashioned keg stand and start chuggin’ away while everyone else sings the national anthem. Whoever makes it the furthest into “The Star-Spangled Banner” is the realest patriot in attendance and an inspiration to us all.

Of course, don’t forget to drink responsibly. Oh, and don’t stick Roman candles in your friend’s asshole while he’s passed out. It’s not as fun as you think it will be.

Email this to a friend

Anthony Johnson

Aspiring comedian. Taco enthusiast. Community college legend. I'm pretty good at giving great advice about pointless topics. Holla at cha' boy.

6 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More