4 Strippers You’ll Encounter At Your Hometown Strip Joint This Summer

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Nice Move

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Being home for the summer is a mixed bag. Sure, you’re not paying rent and you’re guaranteed some home-cooked food, but the number of spontaneous day ragers is next to none. Your high school buddy who became a cop will hit you up for a beer once in a while, and maybe that girl with the loose vajeen and deep throat will swing by for a quick game of sexual Russian roulette, but other than that you’re pretty much just doing the same thing over and over. If you’re lucky, the folks at the local strip club haven’t put you on the “Do Not Serve” wall yet, which opens up the possibility for some quality tit-fueled shenanigans. Still, you have to be wary about the ladies in your local house of hedonism. There’s a whole gaggle of problems you can run into, and most of them start with these gals.

The Former Teacher

Before college, when a light breeze and a shampoo commercial got the old clock ticking, you thought this lady was a total babe. Then you went to college and your whole perspective changed. All the pert, age-appropriate talent, and the ease with which you can release your sexual frustrations, has turned this hot teacher into just another 27 year old. Chances are, the shit wages and shittier job requirements have aged her considerably in recent years. She had to turn to stripping to afford a divorce lawyer and probably felt “empowered” that people over the age of 17 were willing to ogle her goodies. If you encounter her, likely in the midst of one of those played out “naughty professor” gimmicks, just keep your head down. There’s a chance she’ll remember you calling her sugar tits in front of her now ex-husband, which will only end poorly for you. On the other hand, she might actually think giving you a loose HJ will somehow be a snub to that bastard, so play the cards as you see fit.

The Family Friend

Cool “Aunt” Jasmine never told you what she did for a living, but she always had cool snacks and smelled like shattered dreams. The glitter she had on her person always ended up on your shirt after big bosomy hugs, and sometimes that asshole Ralphie would call you a queer for it. Good thing he’s locked up for selling meth, otherwise he might have passed his cross-eyed genes on to a seventh kid. Fuck you, Ralphie. Anyway, the shocking truth of your mom’s friend’s career is that she shows her ass for cash. Depending on how close you are, this can take a serious toll on your psyche. That’s why you should always be at least six deep before you get to the club. The primary risk in this situation is that the moment you both recognize each other could literally lead to the Earth splitting in two. The plus side of that, however, is that it means never speaking again will be a lot easier.

The Ex

The worst part of this encounter isn’t that it’s awkward, it’s that you already saw everything. Unless you were one of those dudes that didn’t smash the high school girlfriend (to each their own, wuss), this chick has done far dirtier things to your pole than to the one on stage. Not to mention the fact that she’s definitely gained some weight, lost some of her soul, and definitely got an Instagram caption tattooed on her ribs. It’s like watching an awful remake of a pretty “eh” movie. You might nod off in the middle of her performance, meaning that your $5 cover was wasted. That’s two cans of dip, bro. There’s also a 100% certainty she’s psycho, so your mere presence could lead to a smackdown/drag out situation that starts with her bouncer/baby-daddy and ends with you in a ditch. Skinheads love ditches. Definitely the riskiest scenario on this list, but it pales in comparison to…

Your Lovely Mother

Just kidding, she only dances at my place. Bitch.

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Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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