40 Things College Girls Say And What They Actually Mean

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40 Things College Girls Say

Through my years of dealing with women, I have occasionally made the mistake of taking what a girl has said at face value. Through experience, I have learned that there is always more than meets the eye, especially when dealing with college-aged women.

Thus, I’ve compiled a short thesaurus of the most commonly uttered phrases of the modern college girl, and what they actually mean. This is backed by medical science (aka a psych major I used to bang).

  1. I’m busy this week: I am not interested, and I don’t have time for you. I’d rather sit and scroll through my Pinterest feed than hang out.
  2. I don’t care: I deeply, deeply care and I’m either in total denial or trying to project an image of strength, when in reality I probably stay up at night looking through old pictures shoveling while Ben & Jerry’s down my throat.
  3. He’s a douchebag: I’m actually very sexually attracted to him.
  4. I only date _____ guys: – I suck.
  5. I’m a psychology major: If I lit $50,000 on fire, the heat it generated would be worth more than this degree. Also, I will try to fuck with your head.
  6. I just woke up: Yeah, I didn’t feel like talking to you.
  7. We are soulmates: I’m into you and trying to gauge how much you like me. Tell me I’m pretty God dammit! TELL ME YOU LIKE ME.
  8. I Hate You: I Love You
  9. I’ve gotta go: I have another guy lined up.
  10. I’m not hungry: I’m not comfortable eating around you and I don’t want you to think I’m a fat ass.
  11. My new Instagram pic got 200 likes: I’m insecure.
  12. He’s creepy: He’s not attractive.
  13. We shouldn’t have sex yet: I’m still getting D from another guy, or I don’t view you as a viable sexual being, so I’m going to push these free meals as far as they’ll go.
  14. I feel fat: If you don’t tell me I’m skinny right this instant, I fucking hate you.
  15. I’m not hooking up with you: I’m going to hook up with you, and I’m saying this solely to test you.
  16. I went on a mission trip to Guadalaharalopa: Seriously, did you like see that Instagram picture of me smiling next to that poor boy? I’m pretty much the female Gandhi.
  17. Tonight is girls night: I’m going to sip Franzia and gossip about your performance in bed.
  18. I’m an education major: These hands that will shape the future minds of America will be wrapped firmly around your dong later tonight.
  19. My period is late: I am testing your composure.
  20. Haha yeah: Please fuck off.
  21. Where do you see this going? All of the texts you send me for the next hour will be sent to my friend group chat.
  22. My friends are sluts but I’m not like them: I am very much a slut, but I justify it because I’ve been with marginally fewer guys than my friends have.
  23. I’ve only been with X guys: I have been with (2.5)X guys.
  24. He’s such a player: I want to fix him and make him mine.
  25. I’m a nursing major: I want to fuck, but I have a 5 a.m. clinical, so best I can do is a half-hearted hand job.
  26. I really like concerts and music festivals: I have been fingered several dozen times in concert venues.
  27. I don’t usually do that: I do that quite often.
  28. I’ve been told I give really good head: I have sucked enough dicks to know this.
  29. I only had a few drinks and chilled: I very nearly blacked out and grinded my ass right off.
  30. I am so over him: I miss him, and drowning my sorrows in other D isn’t helping.
  31. I’m a business major: I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I’m hoping I’ll meet someone with their shit together in this major.
  32. I think we should take it slower: You suck at sex, so I want to see if I can turn you into a meal ticket.
  33. I’m like one of the guys: I’m trying to compensate for my unfortunate face.
  34. Don’t talk to him. He’s a tiny dick douchebag: He’s a sexual god and nobody can have him if I can’t.
  35. You only care about sex: I fell under your spell and just became aware of it, so please say something to make me not feel like a slut.
  36. I was drunk. It just happened: I make terrible decisions and I will do this again in the future, and if you stay with me you’re a total chump.
  37. I don’t take birth control: It’s 2015 and I don’t take a miracle pill that actively prevents pregnancy, because reasons.
  38. Do you have a condom? I hate fun.
  39. I have a boyfriend, but it’s kind of complicated: I might as well not have a boyfriend.
  40. I don’t care if he’s fucking other girls already: I want to bite all their heads off like a black widow.


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