40 Things Every Fraternity Man Should Be Thankful For
1. Living in the greatest mother fucking country on the planet.
2. Every soldier, past and present, who has fought for your right to live in the greatest mother fucking country on the planet.
3. Every bartender who regularly puts up with your shit.
4. Your right to resist police searches without a warrant.
5. Push-up Bras. Girls who use them may be living a lie, but at least it’s a cleavagey lie.
6. How easy it is to rekindle old high school sexual flames on Thanksgiving and Christmas Break.
7. 40 oz. beers, because sometimes 12 just doesn’t cut it.
8. Cheap Liquor. Your grandpa wouldn’t touch it, but beggars can’t be choosers.
9. Pocket T-shirts. You don’t use the pocket for any type of storage, but at least you have that option.
10. The ability and knowledge to properly haze younger siblings.
11. Middle Aged Women, and the hilarious sexual stories that tend to accompany them.
12. Odor Killing Shoe Spray. Without it my Sperry’s are legally considered a biological weapon.
13. Morning Blowjobs, because the rest of your day is guaranteed to kick ass.
14. Affliction Shirts. They make identifying raging douchefucks much easier.
15. The infinite number of ways you’ve learned how to pass an upcoming drug test.
16. Mayonaisse. Just think of the dry throatfuck eating a sandwich would be without it.
17. That “new bag of cocaine” smell.
18. Kate Upton’s Tits/Waist/Ass ratio. It defies physics and logic.
19. Free Porn.
20. Professors who cancel class the week before Thanksgiving.
21. Digital Jukeboxes where you can pay extra to skip any terrible songs.
22. Bars that skip “Call Me Maybe,” no matter when it comes on.
23. Jewish girls’ blowjob abilities. If you haven’t gotten it, you wouldn’t get it.
24. Yoga Pants, and sunglasses to hide the fact that you’re staring at them.
25.Your Mother for never asking too many questions, but loving you just the same.
26. Your father for constantly reminding your mother not to worry.
27. Birth Control, and the wonderfully high percentage of sorority girls that use it.
28. Plan B, for those who don’t.
29. Adderall, because you don’t even remember how to be productive without it.
30. Happy Hour, because sometimes you don’t have any reason to be productive.
31. College Football Rivalries, because fuck those other guys.
32. Cigarette vending machines in bars.
33. The Internet, because how the fuck did our parents get anything done without it?
34. Pledges, and their amazing ability to be within beer-handing reach at any given time.
35. That one passable meal a semester made by your house chef.
36. Dogs. Man’s best friend, and best vaginal magnet.
37. Coming home to a pantry stocked with more than just Cheetos, weed, beer, and Twinkies.
38. That one brother who is always eager to drink, no matter the time of day.
39. Boobs. Fake, real, small, medium, or large, they’re all wonderful in their own way.
40. GDIs. Because it’s always nice to know the kind of people you’re better than.