430 Pound Woman Robs Bank Using Spaghetti Sauce

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One 430 pound Ophelia A. Neal recently spent her afternoon robbing a bank in Detroit. Her assault weapon? Two jars of spaghetti sauce. My first question was “What kind of self-respecting woman buys jarred sauce?” but then I was reminded that the suspect is 430 pounds and robs banks rather than dating rich men, so she’s probably not the type of gal I’d normally hang out with.

Neal reportedly threatened bank employees with a “bomb,” as she demanded cash. Fearing death and the wrath of a woman who is three times the size of an average woman and four times the size of an attractive one, the employees submitted to the thief. Imagine their humiliation when they realized she’d actually just thrown the food she happened to be carrying in her purse at them before waddling off to an escape car (breathing heavily with a ravine of sweat in her bosom, I presume). Her accomplice was said to be a man. If you’re single, let that sink in for a minute: a 430 pound woman convinced a guy to help her rob a bank and you can’t convince one to hang out with you before 2:00AM. Ain’t life grand?

Police are still in search of the woman who was already on parole for marijuana possession and fraud. I can’t imagine she’d be hard to find, but if they’re really struggling, I’d advise they check out Lane Bryant or their local Krispy Kreme.

[via Fox]

Image via Food Network

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of TSM for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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