45 Signs You’re A Douchebag

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Nice Move

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Hardly an original concept, but if this information is common knowledge, why do I keep seeing so many douchebags? We’ve made some progress with fedoras, sunglasses at night, popped collars, and energy drink tattoos, but truth be told, we’re all guilty of the occasional slip-up. So, it’s time for a quick refresher on what it means to be a douche:

  1. Living vicariously through a sports team.
  2. Bitching about how cold it is… in the middle of winter.
  3. Bathroom selfies.
  4. Molesting or playing with my dog like she’s yours.
  5. Name or place dropping.
  6. Vineyard fucking Vines.
  7. Giving unsolicited advice, especially to people who are more accomplished.
  8. Using Instagram like a chick.
  9. Still quoting “Old School” or impersonating Borat.
  10. Any picture of you throwing up a middle finger or backward peace sign. You’re not Tupac.
  11. Owning more than zero flat brimmed baseball caps.
  12. Documenting every trip to the gym.
  13. The Entourage movie.
  14. Forcing the hand-shake-hug with people you probably shouldn’t.
  15. Being a shitty tipper.
  16. Texting during a date. It’s worse if you’re checking work email and think she’s impressed.
  17. You insist on making people watch YouTube videos at a bar.
  18. Cologne. Can I smell you five feet away or five minutes after you leave the room?
  19. Bragging that you “have a friend” with a beach house, Ferrari, boat, etc.
  20. Cheating. Relationships are optional, and bottle service chicks are fun (and cheaper).
  21. Beats by Dre as a fashion accessory.
  22. Always showing up late or breaking plans altogether.
  23. Bluetooth. The original d-bag tag.
  24. Trying to use Larry King’s mantle to lecture Americans on guns.
  25. Parking like an asshole.
  26. Sniffing a wine cork at a restaurant.
  27. Che Guevara T-shirts (worse than Ed Hardy).
  28. Standing on the left side of an escalator.
  29. Professing to be a “cheeseburger connoisseur” (or wine).
  30. You have douchebag friends, like these or these. Unfriend immediately.
  31. You tell Vegas pool party stories.
  32. Kanye West.
  33. You constantly say ‘Uber’ instead of ‘car’ or ‘taxi.’
  34. Gratuitous Facebook check-ins.
  35. Three-piece suits (you’re not Tom Brady).
  36. Signing emails with “Cheers.”
  37. You insult your friends in public to impress a chick.
  38. Addressing service staff while still talking on a cellphone.
  39. Using expensive car keys as a prop (the guy who puts his Range Rover key on the bar top and uses the bathroom stall to take a leak).
  40. Invading Poland.
  41. Modifying shitty cars.
  42. Bragging about good deeds.
  43. A black Amex card (rappers quit rapping about it 10 years ago).
  44. Wearing rosary beads at a bar.
  45. Five lane changes only to end up two cars ahead of me at the next red light.

John LeFevre is the creator of the @GSElevator Twitter feed and the author of Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, and Billion-Dollar Deals.

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