Militant clowns are sweeping the nation at an alarming rate. What first appeared to be a huge, terrifying prank has turned into something much darker. The creatures that haunt our nightmares have been popping up on campuses across the nation, and we’re no longer standing for it. Earlier this week, fraternity men at TCU decided to brandish their irons and go out to find these menaces. Penn State and Oregon State have also gone hunting for these creatures in pancake makeup. While a golf club is a highly effective means of personal defense (shout out Tommy Vercetti), it’s not the only one. Here are some items you might have sprinkled around your residence in case of a clown emergency.
1. Hatchets, Mauls, or Tomahawks
Those pricks who think splitting wood is culturally insensitive to lumberjacks are going to change their tune quick if this clown menace kicks up. On the same note, pledges won’t be bitching about splitting wood quite as much when it teaches them how to swing a double-bit. Character building for the win. Nothing says “fuck Bozo” quite like an axe to the face. They say never bring a knife to a gunfight, but if old dude shows up with a chainsaw it’s time to show him how archaic technology stacks up when he runs out of gas. Mel Gibson these assholes like a true patriot.
2. Molotov Cocktails
If there are two things we have in abundance, it’s booze and lighters. Let one of those rubber nose-having-ass goons see how well their spritzer bottles fare against a raging inferno. I don’t know about you, but fire gets me going. Nothing sends a message to Heath Ledger wannabes across the country like immolating their sick compatriots with a raging hard-on. Show these sickos how a real lunatic’s mind operates.
3. Pledge Paddles
How often have you actually used your paddle since it was made? On second thought, don’t answer that. Nationals would be pissed. It’s a well-known fact that both the Maori and Mayan warriors utilized weapons such as the patu and macuahuitl to deal with their enemies, two implements that are incredibly similar to modern paddles. Chances are your shoulders are in tip top condition from a combination of 12 oz. curls and overhead casts, so haze those jokers straight to hell and show the pledges just how good they have it.
4. Loose Stand Your Ground Laws
Use that legal loophole and make all your backyard target practice count for something. Instead of being demonized, you’ll probably be lauded as a hero. Have you ever seen a sad clown? How about a fucking dead one? Cross both off your bucket list, courtesy of the US of A.
5. Insane Clown Posse Music
This might sound counterproductive, but weaponized music has been documented as effective. In 1989, the United States employed “Operation Nifty Package” as a means of ousting dictator Manuel Noriega from his Panamanian enclosure. By blasting “Welcome to the Jungle” at a deafening level, our nation managed to psychologically destroy Noriega and make him surrender. Seriously, look it up. This is similar, but instead you’ll be the ones hunkered down. Throw in some ear plugs and play a few minutes of “Down With the Clown” until their clown bloodlust peaks and they tear each other to shreds. You can then pick off survivors with a chipping wedge.
Happy hunting, gentlemen. Let’s show these painted freaks that fear never triumphs when pitted against a red-blooded American’s fighting spirit. Next time one of these assholes is spotted, show them who’s boss. Being a clown is a choice. Getting murked for it just comes with the territory..
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