5 Drinks Of The 2015 College Freshman

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Hot Cocaine

Jack Fire and Coke

This is one I discovered fairly recently at a formal event/end-of-the-year blackout blowout joint fraternity event. I was searching my local liquor store for something interesting to slug me into oblivion that was a change from the normal whiskey or vodka cop out. I stumbled upon Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire, and at first I was confused. Why the fuck does this cost so much more than Fireball? Aren’t they basically the same thing? Whatever, I bought it anyway.

Then came the dilemma of choosing a mixer. Usually I take my Fireball straight in shot form and do this pretty much exclusively. One time I tried a “cinnamon roll” that some girl made (Fireball and cream soda) but it tasted like hot garbage to me. There must have been a better way to make this. Squeezed for time, I grabbed a 2-liter of coke and called it a trip, unsure of what the results were gonna be.

What ensued was one of the most unexpectedly amazing tasting drinks I have ever tasted. With a rough ratio of about one part whiskey to two parts coke, my date and myself found ourselves tossing these bad boys back like a newly-divorced father at a dive bar. I have no clue why, but the motherfucker tasted so damn good I just couldn’t get enough. The hot background blended perfectly with the sweetness of the coke, giving it quite a (wait for it) SOPHISTICATED flavor. When it hits the palate, I’d lay money on this shit beating out 50-year-old French wines.

Also, my date loved it and so did all her friends who just HAAAAD to try it, a.k.a. wasting precious drops of my hard earned alcohol. You want a great drink for nearly all occasions, cut yourself some hot cocaine.

Black Crystal

Bacardi Black Razz and Sprite

Not to be confused with Walter White’s blue crystal, this shit is just as addicting in its own right.

This was another concoction that I just came up with last minute. My barn dance date wanted dragon berry, but the liquor store was out so I had to improvise. I grabbed the least girly looking bottle of flavored Bacardi and a citrusy mixer and I hauled ass off to the pregame I was already 45 minutes late for. I was expecting a typical “drain cleaner made easier by the mixer” concoction that I would have to just choke down to reach my buzz point, but I was actually pleasantly surprised at how good it tasted. So surprised, in fact, that I remember a good five minutes of the two to three hour barn dance as a whole.

This is one of those drinks that tastes good even when you mix it stiff as fuck. Thusly, getting sufficiently fucked up won’t be that hard of a quest. Be careful though, because these sneaky little shits will sneak up on you and have your face in a toilet faster than a middle school bully.

Red bull and Vodka

There’s not even really a special name for this because the raw name speaks for itself.

If there’s one thing that electrifies a girl, group of girls, or pretty much just anyone in general, it’s getting things off the ground with a stiff as fuck vodka Red Bull. Something about ripping open an ice-cold Red Bull and throwing it together with some hand sanitizer level vodka just feels so devious and awesome. It’s great at the pregame, at the bar, and even if you feel like partying until 9 a.m.

Now some player haters like the “surgeon general” and your “mom” may have told you about how dangerous it is to mix alcohol and caffeine, and how the combination of them in your stomach is gonna make you keel over mid-party like Weekend at Bernie’s. What they actually mean is that the caffeine keeps you more alert and less susceptible to the motor skills impairing part of the alcohol. Essentially, you feel a lot less fucked up than you actually are. The same amount of liquor that would normally make you black out might not do the same when you’ve also got three energy drinks coursing through your veins.

Just be smart about it. I know they taste good and the caffeine/alcohol buzz combo is the shit in its own right, but the last thing we need in this country is more college drinking deaths. Be smart.

Ghetto Margs

Tequila and Lime Margarita mix

Before you margarita purists with your crazy ideals that a TRUE margarita only has Patron, Cointreau, and lime juice in it get all up in my shit, keep in mind that I am catering to a group of people here who are not commonly rolling in cash. If you want a collective cost of like $5 per drink, go to a bar.

I have said for a long time that margaritas are pretty much the only “fruity” cocktail that is considered masculine. Sure, you could make the argument that a good old-fashioned rum runner or a pina colada could quench your manly thirst, but any drink that pretty much requires you to be sitting on a tropical beach somewhere to make it acceptable doesn’t cut it in my book. Still, the topic here is drinks that girls like, and you best believe they love themselves some MAAAAAAAARRRRRRGSSSSSS.

A giant ass bottle of margarita mix is like $5. Pair that with a $10 bottle of drain cleaner posing as Sauza tequila and just dump the contents into whatever sort of bucket/liquor dispenser you have on deck, add some ice, and presto. You’ve got yourself some garbage can margaritas that will be sure to dehydrate you straight into a girl’s pants.

Captain and Coke

A classic that really goes both ways on the drink gender scale, although I feel like girls have been trying extremely hard to claim it recently for some reason.

There’s always that one guy in your group who drinks exclusively rum and cokes whenever you go out. That guy who claims he’s drinking “captain and coke” when everyone knows damn right he’s got Admiral Nelson in that cup. Either way, can’t blame them because it’s a nice staple that resonates well with everyone. I have yet to meet a person who tells me they don’t like a nicely mixed rum and coke. Keep that shit around.

Also, do yourself a favor and forget the name cuba libre. It’s literally the most try-hard way of referring to rum and coke and anyone who uses the term should be hog tied to the tip of a space bound rocket ship.


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