Your Snapchats are bad, and you should feel bad.
I mean, what happened? At its onset, the popular app was the go-to tool for all those who were knee-deep in the iPhone game. Not to get all hipster on you, but Snapchat started going down once it became too mainstream. The market started letting too many players in, and worst of all, these players are snoozefests. I’m on the verge of deleting my account and never looking back.
Want to start getting replies to your Snaps? Well then, America, you’re gonna have to starting brushing up on some of the fundamental rules of Snapchat.
1. Don’t Be Boring
Who are you people?
Snapchat, in many ways, is like channel surfing. Men only need to see something for a brief second before knowing whether it’s attention span worthy or not. Pictures of funny faces over the caption bored, or empty beer cans over the hashtag #rage are awful.
This doesn’t just apply to Snapchat, but to life in general. At the end of the day, everyone needs to ask themselves: what do I bring to the table? If it’s nothing more than a bad impression of Jim Carrey making a goofy face, then you’re just wasting everyone’s time.
2. Weirdtown Needs Its Mayor
I know I’m probably following the cue of anyone who dates Lea Michele and am likewise digging my own grave here, but the most memorable Snapchatters are the ones who go out of their way specifically to violate your eyeballs with Donnie Darko-levels of depravity.
3. 10 Seconds Is An Eternity
Snapchat allows you to measure how much time elapses before the picture self-detonates. This is nice and all, except the timing mechanism brings out the narcissistic side of people with an inflated sense of self-worth in the worst way.
Here’s the timing guide to Snapchats.
*1-3 seconds: Boring “this is what I’m doing” photos.
*4-6 seconds: Flirtatiously telling someone you’d like to get hopped up and make some bad decisions later.
*7-9 seconds: Something that’s genuinely funny, like a picture of the cast of a hit Fox TV show with a doodle of a ghost where one of the cast members should be.
*10 seconds: Pavel Datsyuk videos.
Here’s the secret of life, guys: Always leave them asking for more.
4. Mass Snaps Are Awful
It’s so transparent when someone sends out a mass Snapchat, and honestly, they’re just discouraging. Mass snaps look normal on the surface, but they have no heart, no pulse and no personality.
5. Make It Count
I’d like to think this intervention helped, America, but at the end of the day, you have to be willing to listen.
Clean it up, America.
Your ole’ pal,