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5 Guys You’ll See At Sorority Philanthropy Sporting Tournaments

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A major tradition in Greek life is the hallowed sorority-sponsored philanthropy sporting tournament. Whether it be basketball, softball, soccer, or the less adequate yet surprisingly more challenging 5K, a plethora of “athletes” can be expected to rise from the depths of your university’s Greek community upon the announcement of one of these contests. For everyone participating, there is one goal: woo some sorority tail by attempting to display your proficiency at a sport which you only ever played either at the junior varsity level in high school or, even worse, never at all.

Here are some of the “athletes” that show up to these sorority philanthropy sporting tournaments:

1. The Pledge

He’s the horniest he’s ever going to be — having not been afforded as much time to pursue females due to his labor-intensive pledging schedule — and is easily distracted by anything with a vagina and a pulse. He might need a “Denzel Washington, hazy Gettysburg battlefield in Remember The Titans” pep talk in order to uncloud his mind.

This is probably his first time outside in months, but he’s way closer to his high school athlete days than any of the beer-bellied, pack-a-day smoking brothers. My money’s on this guy, actually. The constant hazing and ordering around has probably conditioned him to perform at a very high level, both physically and mentally.

2. The Try-Hard

Every fraternity has at least one, and some have dozens. This guy wears snapbacks every day, thinks Nike is a designer brand, and is the first to make pledges run routes for him after the snow melts. He insists that Tom Brady is his “boy.” He’s made references to “pounding brews and smashing twos” on multiple occasions. The point is, the athletic potential of this guy is equitable to his likability: sub-par at best.

3. Mr. Hangover

Someone forgot to tell him to take it easy last night. Now he’s doubled over next to the fence, cleansing himself of the vodka and orange juice that he was pounding just hours earlier because somehow it’s possible to get bit by the hair of the dog that bit you. He’s a decent athlete, but when he’s hungover, his performance plummets faster than US Airways Flight 1549 — and Captain Sully’s not there to save him. Good luck finding a way to gracefully land your team on the podium. Next time, just make this guy your mascot.

4. The Coach

He makes or breaks the team. Earning respect is the hardest part of coaching. Well, that and finding the self-control to hold yourself back from hitting someone’s kid. But we’re talking about grown men here, so you have permission to hit one of your players as long as it’s warranted. The list of excuses to hit a player is seemingly endless in this case, too, so there’s no need to hesitate. If physical abuse is what it takes to get the W, then I better see you out there throwing fades when you’re down by four in the last quarter/half/inning/km. If he’s not punching people, he’s a shitty coach.

5. The IDGAF Guy

He has never been, nor will he ever be, an athlete. He played trumpet in high school. It’s likely that he never even learned how to ride a bike, or was the first person in human history to ever forget how to do so. The only reason he’s in your house is because he’s a legacy. This guy doesn’t care about sports; he’s got better things to do, like jack off for the fourth time today or drink Redd’s Cran-Apple Ale because it makes him “more approachable to women.” Fuck this guy.

But Swoop, isn’t the primary goal of any philanthropy to raise money for a good cause? No, and if you believe this, then you’re probably a stuck up, self-righteous philanthropy chair or a parent. Either way you’re living in a delusion, and should look the other way when guys are preparing for the game like it’s the invasion of Normandy. I couldn’t tell you how much money Kappa Delta raised at their soccer philanthropy this year, but I can tell you all about scoring the game-winning goal while the other team’s goalie left the field to puke. That’s how I know it’s not about the money, and never will be.

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Swoop Johnson

I'd like to thank Jesus, my family, and Busch Light for getting me to where I am today.

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