Like our vaunted varsity athletes, I choose to put my body through hell on a weekly basis for the sake of sport. I’ve got to keep my liver sharp by way of emptying bottles upon bottles of Hornitos and chasing them with Corona Extra. Somehow, for reasons beyond my comprehension, this fierce commitment to intemperance has yet to land me a free ride, unlike the pampered kids sporting the Nike Swoops and script logos. Personally, I think winning a case race with Natural Ice takes more skill and endurance than some bullshit relay, but let’s take a look at the five types of real athletes you’re guaranteed to see gallivanting around campus.
1. The Swimmer Parade
When swim practice wraps up and the athletes stream out of the natatorium, there’s a strange disparity between the appearance of male swimmers and female swimmers. The gaunt, sinewy men wear far less nylon than their female counterparts and sport a body fat percentage south of five percent. On the other side of the hall, you have the lady swimmers who are built like bowlers. They must train separate from the guys and swim 1/10 of the intervals. Some of these girls look like they came straight from the pages of an R.L. Stine book.
2. The Softball Team’s Ass
Remember the softball girls in high school? They were fit to play offensive guard for the football team. Softball girls in college got pretty hot, though. They look kind of like soccer players, except with busted faces and mustaches. But they have incredible asses. Softball uniforms don’t do these girls justice. The athletic department doesn’t have to offer me reward points to attend softball matches anymore.
3. The Wrestler Who Gets Too Rowdy
This guy is a total ass canoe. Half of fraternity row has blacklisted this douche from their parties because he tends to show up hammered then proceed to get drunker, take his shirt off and get rowdy. With every compounding rejection, he’ll get angrier and angrier and eventually put a hole in the wall or flip a pong table. You’ll need to sic your biggest pledges on this guy and his geed buddy when they start getting loud and breaking shit.
4. The Underwhelming Cheerleaders
On game day, you’re sure to spot a few cheerleaders at the on-campus diner a few hours before kick-off. Or, you may land prime real estate in the student section, close enough to see the cheerleading squad. Despite being made-up and in full uniform, you’ll find yourself still wanting more. Maybe it’s the dearth of personality to complement her lack of thigh gap or maybe all that makeup is an unflattering look. Most likely, it’s because the dance team is still hotter.
5. The Soccer Dime
If you have a foot fetish, she’s your bonafide TFM Babe of the Day. She’s the girl you’re thinking of when your girl is giving you a half-hearted handy. She’s a 5’5″ Venezuelan with beautifully sculpted thighs and a pair of train derailers fit to be a national treasure. She probably won’t sleep with you, but you could always offer to marry her into naturalization. It’s the best non-coital option at your disposal..